Off The Coast of Somewhere Beautiful
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: As hard as they tried, Jack and Kate never quite got it right after they left the island. When their paths cross again, can they make the best of their second chance? Jate AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: So I'm not sure how many people are into stories that are primarily letter based...but that's what this is. Eventually, down the road, we'll have actual action and such (Maybe)...But the core focus is going to be the letters. **

**The story takes place after the Losties were rescued. Kate did go to a jail, but was released a year later, due in part to Jack's help. Kate stays for approximately two months (that will be important later), trying to gather life again, pick up the pieces now that they're back in civilization. Anyway, unexpectedly, Kate leaves one day leaving Jack nothing but a note to say goodbye-really nothing to explain why she left so abruptly. Now, a year later, Jack recieves a letter from Kate and is faced with the possibility of reconnecting again. As I said, the story is told over a series of letters between the two, plus possible notes from others. There WILL be some action/dialogue, though it will stay minor.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, Jack, Kate or anything else regarding this. The idea is merely something I came up with, and therefore decided to pursue. The Characters, however, are from the brilliant mind of J.J. Abrams and company.**

**Reviews are welcome!**

* * *

Jack bit his lip, deep in concentration. As many times as he read over her words, he just couldn't wrap his mind around it again. If she loved him, why didn't she stay? Why didn't she fight? Jack shook his head, downing another sip of beer. He glanced over at the man who sat on the stool next to him, shrugging.

"Do you know where she is?"He asked, his accent coming out clearly.

Sighing, Jack shook his head. He turned the envelope over, his handing gracing the stamp. "No. It doesn't have a return address. A P.O. Box...but not a return address."

"They could not be one in the same?"He questioned, the music in the bar slowly filtering over.

Jack shrugged, staring down at Kate's scrawled letter. There were points where she hesitated, almost as if she struggled with moving foward. "She's Kate. If she wanted to be found, she would have used a real address, not some stupid Post Office Box."He muttered, words coming out hoarse.

Patting Jack's shoulder, he nodded, sliding off of the stool. "I must go. But I hope that you figure out whatever it is that you want to do."

"I'll try."Jack lied, knowing it was to no use. It had been a year since he'd seen any sign of Kate, he'd doubt it'd start now. Hands trembling, he stared at the letter once more, trying desperately to make sense of it.

* * *

_Jack,_

Long time no talk, huh? It's Kate. Please don't put this down as soon as you read that. I know, okay? I know that it's been a year. That I left, not even bothering to say goodbye to your face. And believe me Jack, I wake up regretting that every single day. I'm sorry. Looking back on it, I guess I kind of wish I'd stayed. But we all take chances, and we all make mistakes. As much as it hurts to say, maybe my leaving wasn't a mistake.

The truth is, I don't know what would have happened had I stayed. Would everything have worked out the way it was supposed to? It was true, that you were kind enough to let me stay with you those few months after I got out. Believe me Jack, I'm thankful for that. You've done more for me than anyone else ever has, and I will forever be greatful.

To be honest, I wasn't even sure where to send this. I was afraid that it would have been some mistake. Was it a mistake? Because I can practically picture the look on your face as you're reading this-deep, concentrated. That's you, Jack. The truth is...I don't really know why I left. But I know that I had to.

Where I'm at now...It's great. I have friends, a job where they aren't suspicious...kind of a family. Jack, I know how badly you wanted to help me set things straight. I just-I needed to settle some things on my own. Maybe it sounds a little crazy, but I really need you to understand that. Truthfully, you were the only real friend I had. Well, other than maybe Sun or Claire. Have you seen any of them, by the way? I, um...I actually ran into someone the other day when I was doing business. It was strange, a little awkward at first. Still, it was good to see a familiar face.

I think a lot, you know. About what would have happened had I stayed. How much things could have been different, how my life would have changed. When I was let out, I had so many people there ready to help me. There was you, Hurley-Sayid even. All of you ready to just..help. And that's what I love about all of you. When we were on the island, that was my family. That was what mattered to me. Sadly that time is over now, but what I have now...it's worth so much more.

I'll never regret what happened between us, Jack. That may be hard to understand, but it's true. I love you, Jack. So much that it hurts some times. But things change, people move on. I'm not saying that I'll ever move on, because truthfully I can't. Still, I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't cause you any pain...any more than I already had. Because the last thing that you ever deserved to feel was pain, or embarassment. You would have gotten those because of me, Jack. You got your job back, or at least a job at St. Sebastian's after you left. What did I have? A criminal record, not a chance to start over.

When I left, I got that chance, Jack. I don't know if I'll ever actually see you again, but I want you to know how much what you did meant for me. You gave me a chance, Jack. And for that...I will forever be greatful. I've gotta go now...duties call. Until later...maybe?

Love,

_Kate_

* * *

She sighed, leaning against the window, staring out at the ocean. As she heard the crying, Kate closed her eyes, a sigh slowly escaping her. "It's going to be okay."She whispered, wishing she could believe it herself.

The moon cast a shadow across the water, a fact that Kate found both intriguing and beautiful. Feeling the form tucked safely against her shoulder, she somehow knew that she'd done the right thing. Nodding, again she whispered. "It will all be okay."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading the first chapter! In case you were wondering, that was sort of supposed to be Sayid (who Jack was speaking to)...and there's a little thing that should be noted in Kate's scene at the end. But I can't say much yet...because Jack doesn't know. Review, please...enjoy!**

* * *

**Two Weeks Later**

Shutting the door to her post-office box, Kate glanced at the woman who had appeared next to her. "Hi."

"Hi."She replied, not at all surprised to see her. "So how's Matthew?"

Forcing a smile, Kate nodded. "He's...good."She said, turning her attention back to the mail. She froze, spotting and enevelope with a return address. Jack.

"Is something wrong?"She asked, concerned.

"No, it's just...I didn't expect him to write back."Kate spoke, surprised.

A smile graced the woman's lips, her blue eyes shining. "So you told him."

"Not exactly."She replied. "But I wrote him. It's something."

"You get that he'll try and find you, right?"She asked her.

Sighing, Kate looked back at her. "I'm just doing what I can. He's Jack...but things have changed."

"Be that as it may, he's Jack. He's not the type to give up easily...we both know that. You gave him the ammunition he needs to get started again."

Kate flipped through the few things she had, not paying attention to the fact that she was leaving. "Jul-"She sighed, flipping the envelope over. Maybe she was right, but it didn't change anything. Once safe at home, Kate tucked her legs beneath her, almost daring herself to read what Jack had to say.

* * *

_Kate,_

It is good to hear from you. I don't know why you would think otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I hate the fact that you left. You could have stayed. Whatever it is that made you leave, I would have helped you with. You know that, don't you? But I guess that's part of what made you leave, and I have to accept that. There's nothing wrong with wanting a change in life, Kate. Still, had you stayed you might have had a chance here.

You didn't have to worry about me, I was already fine. I had my career, I had friends (most of which we both knew). So what made it so hard? Returning to old habits? Falling back into the pattern? I'm sorry, that was mean. But can you really blame me? After everything that happened between us, Kate...after everything that we went through, you still packed your things up not even thinking twice about saying goodbye. I get that you're happy now Kate and you have no idea how good it is to hear from you. But since we're doing this writing thing, I have to know one thing...

Do you regret it? I know that things moved a little fast, and I'm to blame for most of that. After we left the island, I was so afraid I'd lose you. I knew there was a chance that you'd go back to jail, but I wasn't willing to break contact. I wasn't going to be the reason that I lost the woman I loved. Yes, Kate, I loved you. I still love you. The day that you were set free was one of the best days of my life-minus getting rescued, of course. Still, you matter to me, maybe a little more than I mattered to you. Please don't take that the wrong way.

We were spending so much time together, I guess I always thought that it would last. What happened the night that you were released...I want you to know how much I don't regret that. How much I could never regret that. It's what made us connected, Kate...more than we were ever before. Holding you in my arms that night meant so much to me, and I knew then. I knew that I would never want to live without you. I laid awake, watching as you slept with your head against my chest, and I had never felt more happy-more at peace. I can't really give you an honest answer as to why, but I realized then just how much you meant to me-that the year we spent apart after the island had been torture without you.

Is that what drove you away?-That we got too close? I get that you got scared, that you felt that people would judge you. I wouldn't judge you. I didn't, and I still won't. We're both too stubborn for our own good, I guess.

I've got my job, and it gets me by. Most days I'm working long shifts, going home when it's extremely dark out. I sleep when I can, which actually isn't that often. But I do what I can.

As far as who I still talk to...a few of us, actually. Sayid. Claire and Aaron. I was speaking with her on the phone the other day, and he grabbed the phone away from her to say 'hi, Uncle Jack.'. It was so sweet actually...and if I had more time, I'd explain. Claire and I-we're related, by our father. As far as Saywer, Locke..anyone else...they haven't been seen or heard from.

Well, I've got to head to the hospital soon, but I wanted to get this out to you. I don't know when or if you'll actually get this seeing as the return address is a P.O. Box. Why is that, Kate? Are you afraid? Nevermind, I guess you don't owe me anything. Thank you, Kate. I'm not really sure why I said that, but I know that your intentions were well-off. Just know that i'm here whenever and if ever you need me...key word being if. But I mean it, Kate. Putting this in the mail...I love you,Kate.

_Jack_

* * *

Jack stared out into the empty O.R., wiping his hands dry with a towel. He untied his scrub cap, slowly pulling it off. He felt tired, dizzy. Knowing he had to tell the parents of the boy about the surgery, he figured he'd be on his way.

Just one more hour, and Jack was scheduled to be off for the day. Part of him silently wished that something would happen-that someone would come in requiring help. Because somehow, even that could be better than going home to an empty house.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: So here we are with the third chapter. Kate's reply to what Jack had to say. I'm doing my best to stay in character, so please let me know if you think something is off. Now, to explain the 'action' part of this story...**

**The scenes at both the beginning and end of each chapter are a sort of reaction type of thing, alternating between both Jack and Kate. Because despite what either of them have done, they will always have that connection between them. Also, from time to time other characters will be featured along with them. Like Sayid was with Jack, or in the last installment like a certain blonde haired blue eyed female doctor that was also once on the island (I speak of Juliet, of course)...The reasons behind they are there will be explained eventually, but for now, everything remains slightly ambigous with details coming out as the characters learn about them as well. **

**As far as the "little thing" that was with Kate, or other hints I've been or will be throwing your way...if you're curious just PM me and ask. I'll do my best to help! Thanks...now, please read and review!**

* * *

**Nine days later**

Jack was sitting at a table in the cafeteria, wiping his mouth with a napkin when a fellow surgeon approached him. "Doctor Benard..how can I help you?"He asked, sitting up straight.

"Well, Doctor Shephard-"She began. "I was actually looking for you. Nurse Wilder told me I would find you here...I need a consultation on my case."

"I see...you couldn't have paged me?"He asked, slightly annoyed. He loved the fact that people needed his help-but the reality that his meal had to be interrupted annoyed him slightly.

"I tried, Doctor Shephard."She said, pointing to his pager on the table. "You didn't hear it beeping?"

Jack took a bit of fruit from the plastic bowl, chewing it carefully in his mouth. "I'm sorry. It's...I need to replace the battery. I've been meaning to. I've just been so distracted lately."

Doctor Benard nodded, tapping her nails against the plastic countertop. "So, I need a consult on my case...there's a patient in 2342 with a fracture in his spine, presumably from a previous injury. He came in for a broken rib, but further exploration revealed a slightly larger problem."

"And you need my help."Jack replied. He set his fork down carefully on his napkin, folding his hands. "I'll be glad to do it. Have the X-rays in my office, and I'll work on a solution."

Nodding, she stood up from the table. She watched as Jack picked up his fork. "Is that-I'm sorry..nevermind."

"No, what?"Jack retorted, already knowing what she'd ask. "It's guava. More of an accquired taste, actually."He said, answering her silent question. It was true-for the longest time he couldn't bring himself to even go by the fruits in the produce section. But lately he'd been getting a craving again, and he was sure of the reason why.

Once back in his office, Jack spotted the X-ray envelope sitting right on his desk just like he had requested. As he lifted the envelope, his stack of mail fell to the floor. Though it came from home, Jack would bring his mail to work with him, knowing he'd have more time. He sorted through them, finding the expected power bill, along with a bill for water. But then he found an envelope with what had now become her familiar scrawl. Setting the other envelopes aside, he knew he should get to work. But he couldn't take long he figured, so he opened Kate's envelope, slight hope as to what he'd find.

* * *

_Jack,_

It's Kate again. Like I expected, you have a lot of questions. And I hope that in time, or at least in this letter I can answer some of them for you. Because believe me, the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. I loved you, Jack...and while I admit that I still do, I know that it's hard. Especially after everything that has happened. So I guess I should start at the beginning, huh?

When I got out of jail, you were there. You were the one who took me in to your apartment, who offered me your spare room. When noone else wanted to give me someplace to stay, Jack, you were the one who was there. We didn't talk all the way back to the apartment, but once we were there everything started again. And I knew, Jack-I knew that there was no way we'd make it out clean.

Things were said and feelings were sorted out...things happened that night that I won't ever be able to take back-or regret for that matter. You said you loved me, Jack. Back on the island-you said you loved me. And once we were rescued, I never thought I'd get a chance to tell you that I felt the same way. But standing in your living room, bags sitting on the floor, I did. I changed who I was, not because you asked me to but because I wanted to. I expected you to yell or do something. Anything. Instead, you kissed me. After a year apart, it was like nothing had changed.

I didn't want it to change. But it did. Slowly, things started to happen. You'd be at work later, or I'd try and talk to you and you'd shake it off like it was nothing. Then there was the other part of our relationship. We had our professional side, but I never really used the mattress in my room. We would argue, but we never went to bed angry. That was something that I never understood, that never happened until you.

I got sick. I got sick, and that scared you, Jack. Things happened on the island, and you could somehow fix them as soon as possible. But you couldn't fix me. You couldn't fix me, and that scared you. Truth be told, it scared me, too. When you were at the hospital, I tried to find work. Really, I went to that coffee shop down the block from the apartment. I tried the department store...anything to find something to help you with rent. Even though you said I didn't have to pay I felt an obligation to. It became apparent that noone was willing to hire an ex-convict who was on the run, turned crashed on an island...noone believed that I was reformed.

Sure, there was Hurley. He offered a job up to me at that company he started, but it was only out of pity, plus I would have had to move away from you. There was you of course. You offered to help, but I knew, Jack. I knew that it killed you. That you knew I was suffering, stuck inside of the same four walls. I couldn't stay at home doing nothing. You had a top notch surgical position, you had a job. You had friends, co workers. Part of me was afraid of what would happen if any of them found out that I was staying with you.

So yes, we could have worked things out. But what would have happened afterward? Where would we have gone? I had a record a mile long..it was enough to scare anyone. So why weren't you scared? Why is it that after finding out everything that I had done, you still wanted to help me? Because you loved me? Because despite any time or other circumstances a part of you always wanted that connection?

I know it's hard-admitting that things went bad. Knowing that I wasn't any good for you, that all I would result in for you was just bad news was information hard for me to take in. You mattered to me, Jack..more than anyone else ever did. You gave me a chance, a hope of a future for myself. I guess saying you made me believe in myself sounds kind of corny, but it's the truth. Never once did you criticize anything I did, but it doesn't change anything. It can't change the fact that I would have hurt you-hurt any chances you may have had at becoming anymore successful than you already were.

Jack, I want you to know that I'm happy now. It's different now in so many ways, and I know that my life won't ever be the same. As for why it's a P.O. box, it's...complicated. I know what that's like to hear, but it's the truth. I've got a job now-though I don't really have anything specific. But don't worry, I'm not living on the streets or whatever. I have a house, I have a few friends that look after me-One of which you'd actually like, I think. Anyway, I've got to go...

And Jack? There's never been anyone else. Not after you, not for the last year. The reason why is a little difficult for me to explain at the moment, but I'm sure that in time it'll come out. Time. Speaking of which, I've got to get to work...cleaning houses. I know, laugh all you want. Anyway, goodbye, Jack. Maybe I'll talk to you again someday.

Love,

_Kate_

* * *

Kate sighed, setting a sponge in a bucket. She lazily pulled her gloves off of her hands. As the blonde woman walked back into the kitchen, she offered a smile. "Hi."

"You realize you've been here all day?..You were here when I left for work, and you're still...here."She said, grabbing a Coke from the fridge. She paused for a moment, deciding to grab one for Kate, too.

"I didn't have anymore houses today. Plus this place is large enough, we can spend all day."Kate offered, sitting at the table. She looked at the sleeping form in the carseat next to her. "He kept me company, you know."She said, a faint smile on her lips. "I hope you don't mind, but he had a little...accident, and I had to borrow your washer."

"Oh, it's fine. I would imagine, the size he is. He's gotten so big already."Juliet said, reaching down to move the bear that had fallen from the tiny child's grasp.

A guiltly look shadowed her face as a lump filled her throat. _She couldn't explain_. No matter how true the statement was, a guilty feeling wound tightly in her gut anytime he was mentioned. "That's true. Every day."

"So how much do I owe you?"She asked, finally opening her Coke.

Kate sighed, looking up from the child. "I told you...you don't owe me anything. We're...friends. I know that i'm doing business. But this one...it's off the record. After-after everything you've done-"Kate said, her voice cracking. "For the both of us...you don't have to pay me. You've done enough."Sighing, she looked back down at the sleeping child who had no clue what was happening, and wished that she herself could do more.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Sorry for the wait-I'm leaving in about a week for a few days, and I'm been bustling around for a few days, trying to get everything together. Anyway, I wanted to get this out. Also-I think I'm doing a pretty good job at keeping everyone in character. As far as what they would say and such. There is of course, Matt to consider...and we will be getting to that. I'm keeping the letters, and the scenes won't be dominant. The reason? Because I believe that both Jack and Kate have some things to get over before ever coming face to face.**

**Anyway, update soon, please. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Eight Days Later**

Kate perched herself on the windowsill, flipping the card over in her hand. It would be so easy. Pick up the phone and call him. She could say hi, exhange certain pleasantries, and Jack would officially be back in her life. While she knew in a way it was what she wanted, she couldn't help but hesitate.

What would she say? She'd managed to keep the fact that she had a son hidden until now-a fact that as the days drew on she began to grow more guilty about...but what would happen if she called Jack? Surely something would happen. Matt would cry, Kate would have to tend to him, and Jack would know. Jack would know, which would mean he'd read into it and find out exactly what had happened.

Staring out the window, she stared up at the trees-the ones of which she had grown sick of on the island and yet here seemed beautiful. The water lapped the shore-well, from what she could see over the ragged fence. Flipping the card over again, Kate ran her thumb over his name. One day she would call him, she thought. Just not that day.

* * *

_Kate,_

Hi, it's Jack. I guess by now you've probably figured that out but it seemed like I needed to say it. Should I? Anyway, I hope that things are okay with you. I know that we're doing this writing thing, and getting in touch and so on...I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's good to talk to you. I hope you don't mind that I'm writing back quicker this time. There's actually a reason for that. I've been working on a long term case, which has provided me the oppurtunity to work on just that. Well, for the time being.

Now, on to what you said. You keep saying that you would have ruined me, that I would have felt bad-things like that. It's true, I would have helped you. There is no way that I wouldn't have. We were friends...more than friends, obviously. I love you, Kate. After you left, things didn't feel the same anymore. I talked with Claire, and had lunch with Hurley every once in a while, but things just didn't feel the same.

What I'm trying to get at is that you matter to me. If you're happy or sad, or doing that thing you did when you were angry but were trying to pretend you weren't. I payed attention, Kate, sometimes a lot more than anyone else ever did.

But there's no use in dwelling on the past, right? I'm sorry if I ever said anything to upset you, or made you think that I would have judged you had you stayed. It was me that you were worried about, but I can tell you Kate that it wouldn't have mattered to me-if anyone thought anything about it. It would have been my life, my choice. They couldn't tell me who I should be seeing. Yes, they were my colleagues-as most still are. I admit that I'm friends with a few of them, but the others are merely co-workers. It's something that I've learned to be okay with.

So how are you really, Kate? You say you have a job, but can't really explain? Well, anyway, whatever it is I hope that you're happy. You deserve to be happy. And in your letter you mentioned that you have friends. Well, I would be lying if I didn't say that I wish I could still be one of them, and I hope in some way we still are. Friends, I mean. That was something that helped me through the time on the island...I knew that I had someone who I could talk to and trust and depend upon. There were times that I wanted to be alone, but you knew somehow that I still needed something else. It may have aggravated me at the time, but I grew to miss it later. I still do.

Well Kate, I've got to go. I'm including my business card in the envelope because, well-if I'm right, we can still be friends. Or talk at least. I'm sure that a lot has happened since last time, and not that writing is bad. Because it isn't. However, the life of a surgeon tends to be stressful-it would be good to hear a familiar voice. I'll talk to you soon, Kate.

_Jack_

* * *

Jack looked out at the O.R, scrubbing soap across his hands. He was going in to perform the second surgery on the same patient in under a week, and he needed for it to be successful. The snap of his gloves against his hands resounded through the room that other than him, contained only one other doctor and two nurses.

His mind drifted to the rain that was currently drizzling outside. It would be hot, muggy. California basically. It didn't rain much in Los Angeles, but when it did it brought him back a little. He'd sit out on his back porch, nursing a beer. If he closed his eyes, he could practically feel the wind whipping against his stubbly face. If his feet were bare, sometimes he could feel the gritty sand cascading against his feet. And if Jack listened good enough, he could even hear her as she sat down next to him.

Shaking the thought from his mind, Jack walked readily into the O.R.. He was a focused surgeon, of that much he knew. But that didn't stop him from dwelling upon what could have been.

* * *

**Okay, so I know that Jack's letter doesn't go as far into detail as the other one has. There's a reason. One because he feels like he has to connect with her first, and because he knows Kate has something to say. He's willing to let her speak, to sort things through. It's something I've always admired about him. Anyway, please leave a review-they help so much, and allow me to update faster!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: So to be honest in the beginning I wasn't really sure of how to begin this chapter. They're connecting, but there are things they need to get through before they meet. You know what I mean? Well, either way, I'm hoping this chapter reinforces certain things about their chracters, because while it's an AU, it still needs to stay in character.**

**Review please-Enjoy!**

* * *

**Twelve Days later**

Jack unlocked the door to his house, slowly shutting the door behind him. Sorting through the mail, as he hadn't had a chance to do at the hospital due to a late surgery, he wasn't all that surprised to find a letter from Kate. Still, as he set the pile on the counter, fetching a frozen TV dinner from the freezer for dinner, he seemed hesitant this time.

He missed her. It took him several letters back and forth, but he truly did. He missed seeing her standing on the beach, feet digging into the sand. He missed the way she'd insist to travel with him everytime he went on a mission. They may have fought some, but that was part of what made them so alike.

As Jack pressed the large buttons on his microwave, he glanced over his shoulder at the letter perched on top of the pile. For a minute he wondered if he never wrote her back, if she'd still write. After all, he'd given her his card, and she hadn't bothered to call. Jack wanted to believe that it was nothing, that perhaps her job had kept her busy. As the microwave beeped, Jack went to the fridge, pulling out a beer. He knew there were things to do-pay the bills, sweep the floor. But as he walked past the pile of mail, Kate's familar scrawl couldn't help but draw him in.

* * *

_Jack,_

It's Kate. It's Kate and I just wanted to say-I wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't call, I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch. I know I swore that I would. But after I left, I thought that any hopes of us ever meeting again had vanished. I guess not. And I just want you to know Jack...It's good to hear from you.

That doesn't really explain why I never called, does it? I was afraid, Jack. First of all, how do you talk to someone you haven't seen in over a year? How do you just suddenly call a person who wants to speak to you, with nothing more to say than hello? I know I'm being difficult, Jack. And for that I'm sorry. It seems like all I'm doing is apoligizing, which honestly seems pathetic. I'm more than that, right? At least that sounds like something you would say. I keep doing that-picturing something you'd say. The trouble now is that I can't do much of that anymore. What with me being where I am, and you being far away.

But I guess it's me that's far away, isn't it? I used to be able to predict your reaction, but I guess now I can't. It feels better if I do, because maybe I can tell if you'll be mad. I know that it seems strange, but I guess that's how I am now. In some ways, it feels like I've changed yet in others it still feels the same.

Maybe you'd be able to answer me better if we were to talk over the phone, but I have to know. Do you forgive me? Is it possible that after all of this time we can still talk again? I hurt you, Jack. I know that I did and there are still some things that I can never take back. My life has changed, and I'm a different person now. It's more from mecessity than anything, but I guess that you understand. That was something that you could always do-understand I mean. You never did judge, but that wasn't what I was afraid of.

I'm having a hard time putting it into words...of how I felt at the time. There were so many things happening at once and I guess I felt that had I stayed I would have complicated it even further. I know it's foolish, but I guess a part of me felt like maybe I'd be okay without you. You'd gotten me that far, so I wanted to branch out, to try and survive on my own. You had been there every step of the way, from the island, through getting rescued. You fought for me to be released, and welcomed me with open arms into your home. I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage, because that wasn't what I was doing at all.

Jack? As hard as it might be to believe, I am happy now. I have a life, friends. Things to keep me busy during the day. And as crazy as it might sound, I try and go to a beach or the ocean any time that I can. I guess I feel some sort of connection there, it makes me feel safe. With everything that I have going, life needs time to slow down, right?

Well, it's getting late, so I guess I'll go now. I'll try and call you soon. Bye, Jack. 

Love,

_Kate_

* * *

Kate bit her lip nervousily. She had just put Matt down, and was clutching her cordless phone in her hand, trying her best to muster up the courage. It would be easy. Dial the number, make the call. He'd pick up and make small talk, and she'd call it a night. It was guilt free. Still, as Kate pressed the talk button, the thought struck her-if she made the call, he'd have her number. He'd have her number, which would mean Jack could call her back. Taking a deep breath, Kate reached for Jack's business card, searching for the correct number, and with trembling fingers wondered what she'd find. 

The phone rang. And rang. And rang again. His voice came through the line, and a mix of fear and guilt ran right through her.

"Hi, you've reached Jack Shephard. I'm sorry that I can't get to the phone right now. Leave your name, number, and what you're calling for, and I will try my best to get back to you..."

After thge message, he provided his pager number just incase it was something urgent, and then Kate heard teh sound she wasn't prepared for. The beep. Swallowing hard, she drew a deep breath, not thinking of what to say.

"Jack, it's...it's Kate. I just-you gave me the card, and I figured I couldn't ignore it forever since we're doing the letter thing. I've been busy with-"Kate said, staring at a picture Juliet had taken of her and Matt before continuing. "-life. I guess I should go. Good bye, Jack."

After hanging up the phone, Kate set it lazily on the sofa. She wondered what Jack would do, if he'd call back or just erase the message. Standing, Kate made her way to Matt's room. As she stood over his crib, she thought about what she'd done, and what the call could cost her. "We'll be okay, Matt."Kate whispered, wishing she could believe it herself. Rubbing the top of his head, a sad smile graced her features. "We'll be okay."

Ignoring the effect hearing Jack's voie had on her, she opted to stay for a while it Matt's room, knowing the exact reason why. It was her life, her choice. He was her connection to Jack, and when anything was going wrong, she'd have him. It was funny how some things never changed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: So I'm getting a little more personal with this chapter, because I feel to get down to what needs to be done between these two, somethings need to be said. Anyway, I know the end of the last chapter sort of drifted off, and as for what we know, well-there's Matt. And Jack doesn't exactly know yet, but these are some things that will be worked out. The letters are staying, but the scenes for both will hold importance, too.**

**Please leave me a review, it helps me with the direction this story is going. Thank You!**

* * *

**Nine Days later**

"You know, you could just call him again."

Kate shook her head, holding the letter in her hands. "I can't...I left a message, I did-"

"Kate?"Juliet offered, a smile somehow peeking through. It was then that Kate thought back to the times on the island, to just before they had been rescued. She thought of the time on the way back to civilization, and how someone just saying her name could have affected her. "He has a son that he has no clue exists. Granted, I do understand some of your reasons behind it...Jack is trying so hard to reach out to you."

"Don't you think I know that?"Kate replied, waving Jack's latest letter in her hand. "I know that he's still there...I know what he thinks of me. I know that...eventually...he'll try and find me. But for now, I'm doing the best that I can."

Juliet sighed, bringing two glasses and two sodas to the table. Sitting down across from Kate, she sighed. "Are you happy?"

Kate blinked, staring back at her. She looked over at Matt, who at the time was safe inside of his carrier. "What?"

"Are you happy?"Juliet repeated. She took one of the glasses, pouring the soda into it. Setting the can down, she looked back up at Kate. She could tell Kate wasn't sure how to answer the question. It was true-that she has Matt. At times, Kate even seemed happy. But there was always something-a glint in her eye that gave it away. Juliet knew what was missing.

Shrugging, Kate pulled the other glass across the table, her other hand keeping Jack's letter in place. "I'm doing the best that I can. How can anyone expect anything different from me?"

* * *

_Kate,_

It's Jack. I got your message, and I know you're probably wondering why I couldn't have just called you back. The truth is, I know that I should have. Logically, I wanted to pick the phone up right away. Logically, it would have made sense. But then I started thinking. I started wondering what would have happened if I did, I thought about the time differences, and if you would have even been up.

I guess you could say that it stopped there. The truth is, I don't know how much of a time difference there is between us. I'm guessing that you obviously can't be too far because the letters aren't that far apart. Still, for all I know you could end up getting the call at two in the morning, and with you working I know that it won't exactly be a call you're ready to hear. Anyway, I promise that I will call you. I have surgeries lined up all week, but I promise you that I will.

So you were afraid to call me. Why? It's not like I could actually see you, but I guess you could say that I'm a people person, so I could probably tell if something was bothering you. But that's the thing, Kate. Why would talking to me bother you? I know that a lot of time has passed since I saw you, but for me that doesn't change anything. You were there one day, but you were gone the next. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't bother me, because it still does. But Kate? I'm not mad at you.

Angry? I guess I was for a long time. I didn't understand what could make you just walk away after everything that we had gone through together. Sure, I figured that it would be hard once we got off of the island, I'm not denying that. However, after everything was sorted out and you were released, we worked it out together. You let down that stupid wall you had been holding up and told me how you felt. I never felt happier before then, truthfully.

I hate that you left, Kate. I hate that you ran away again when it's clear by now that we could have worked through things. I hate that, again, you're over analyzing things inside and can't just come out and say something. I won't judge you. I won't hate you because of anything you say, Kate. And just so we're clear, I love you. I still do, even after everything...and there really isn't anything that could change that. You keep saying that you were afraid, or that things have changed. I get that, Kate-because I know that things have changed with me, too. I'm at the hospital a little less now, but I still keep busy. I almost got a dog a couple of days ago, if for nothing more than something to come home to, but I changed my mind. A dog would need feedings, and walks and things that right now I don't have time for.

That doesn't mean I don't have time for you. I always do, Kate. I have to go, but like I said before, I will call you. We can talk through things, sort everything out. If you need anything, just let me know. I know that probably sounds desperate, but I need you to see that I don't hate you, that nothing that has happened could change that. I'll talk to you later, Kate.

_Jack_

* * *

He'd saved the message on his machine, listening to it several times as he'd eat. Jack was aware of the fact that he was becoming obsessed with the few words Kate said. In truth, he'd wanted to badly to just call her back as soon as he heard her voice. Jack wasn't sure what was stopping him, what was making him hesitate. As the week passed, he knew he should just pick up the phone. But of the seven days, at least five of them had turned out to be long, causing him to work later than usual.

Jack had enough. He wasn't avoiding, and if he had anything to say about it, Kate wouldn't either. As he walked into the kitchen, he picked up the phone, knowing there was a chance she wouldn't answer. Still, as his eyes rested upon a dusty picture that had been taken of them about a month after she had been released-at a party at Hurley's-they had seemed so happy. Tears pricked at his eyes as he remembered. Taking a deep breath, he looked up the number that Kate had called from in his caller I.D., and pressed 'talk'.

The phone rang. And rang. Jack bit his bottom lip, starting to think maybe he had been wrong about the time difference, and that there was a chance she could be completely asleep to the world now. He smiled as he remembered the way she slept once they arrived at his house. The phone rang again, but someone picked up in the middle.

"Hello?"Came Kate's muffled voice.

Jack's breath hitched in his chest as he fought to swallow.

"Is someone there?"Kate asked, this time sounding more awake.

Jack felt guilty, knowing he had woken her up. "I..."

"Jack?"

He stared down at the tile of his kitchen floor, knowing he had been caught. "It's me."

Kate sighed, pushing herself up against the pillows. "I just got to bed...but if you wanted to talk-"

"No, it's fine. I should-"

"Wait..."Kate said, feeling a sense of panic wash over her. He had been the one to call, and now he was the one backing away?

Jack remained silent, waiting for her to speak. "Kate?"

Closing her eyes, Kate nodded. "I'm still here."

Hoping they could still ease into some sort of conversation, Jack settled himself in the living room. It was then that he heard the worry wash into Kate's voice.

"Listen-"Kate said, speaking loudly. "I...I really have to go. I'm sorry, Jack. I..."She said, stepping out of bed, hoping he hadn't heard. "I'll call you tomorrow..."


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I know that the conversation dropped off at an awkward end, but they'll work through things more in this chapter. You'll see, it makes sense. Anyway, please leave me a review...you have no idea of how much it helps me. Anyway, enjoy!**

* * *

**Eleven days later**

The sun was setting over Los Angeles, and as Jack stared lazily out the window of the bar, he heard someone sit in the booth across from him. Wrapping his fingers tightly on his glass, Jack gulped.

"Is something wrong?"Sayid asked, his accent still coming through. "The way you sounded over your message worried me a bit."

"We meet here all the time. It's like some sort of celebration or something. A way to forget..remember. Whichever."Jack replied, staring down into his drink. "So I heard from Kate."

Sayid sensed something wrong in his words, and sighed heavily. "I suppose she told you something you did not like?"He asked. "How long are you two going to continue this ruse of sending letters back and forth before you go and find her?"

"I don't know."Jack replied, shaking his head. He thought of her letter, of what Kate had said. _He's your kid. _"I don't know if I should. But if I am, Sayid...I'll need your help."

"To find her?"The man asked, an amused smile crossing his features. "I cannot promise you anything, but I know that I can try."

* * *

_Jack,_

I'm sorry about before. Something happened that took my attention away from you, but it shouldn't have. It was good talking to you, though. I miss that-being able to talk to you whenever I had the chance to. We fought at times, but somehow we always managed to get through it together.

There's something I need to tell you, Jack. You said that you wouldn't hate me, you said there was nothing I could tell you that would make you feel that way. While I want so badly to believe that, it's hard. The truth-I should start there, right? You need to know that I love you. That I have never stopped, as hard as that might be to believe. You matter to me, Jack. You saw me as more that a product of my past, and loved me in spite of it. But as usual, I come in ripping through things and screwing them up again just when they get perfect.

I can't stand staying still. You were one who knew that best. Even on the island, I always had to be doing something, which is why I chose to follow you whenever you'd go anywhere. I didn't go just because I had to move, I went because I liked being near you. There was something about you Jack that made me feel...well, safe, I guess. I know that my moving across the country doesn't exactly prove that very well but I hope that you understand.

This...this is hard to say. I know that I never explained to you why I left, and in truth it's hard to explain. We were so close, we'd talked about so many things and gotten on another level that we'd never been to before. That night after I was released, I was scared. I was afraid that things would never be the same, that maybe life had changed. Little did I know then, it did. When we talked that night, and what happened afterward...I could never thank you enough. You were there for me in a way that noone else was.

Even after everything. Finding out I was a fugitive, the kiss in the jungle...what happened with Saywer, you still loved me. You kissed me, healed me...I don't know, Jack. I don't know why I left. But I know my excuse. It's the same reason I had to hang up on you the other night.

Matthew Jackson Austen, my son. He's my life now, really. Brown hair, brown eyes. And before you even ask Jack, yes. He's your kid. When I found out I was pregnant, I went into a panic. I had barely been out of prison, I was in no place to be a mother. I know that I had you, you've told me that before. I know that, Jack. But I didn't have a job, I didn't have a life outside of us. You were just getting back into the swing of things at the hospital, you had the life you wanted. How could I ruin that with telling you the news that you'd be a father?

I clean houses. You know, for a living. It's what I do, I'm sort of part of a business. Mostly larger houses, so it takes me all day. I bring Matt with me, so I'm hardly without him. I love him, Jack. I know that he may only be a few months old, but he already looks like you. That doesn't matter, right? You probably aren't even reading anymore. By now you've probably torn this apart, or thrown it across the room.

You have every right to hate me now, Jack. But that's not why I told you. I want him to know you one day, if you're interested, that is. With or without me. I love you, Jack. I still do.

_Kate_

* * *

It had been nearly four weeks since she'd sent the letter to Jack, and as each day passed, she grew more anxious. She'd go to the post office, constantly checking for any sign. She called him twice, but got his answering machine. Too nervous to leave a message, Kate hung up. 

Kate kept up her job, even took Matt to a checkup. Nothing changed much, and Kate tried to tell herself that it would be okay, that Jack would call or write.

Dialing his number again, Kate balanced Matt on her lap, getting a clear view of the ocean as she sat on her back porch. Again, she got his answering machine, but worked up the courage to leave a message.

"Jack...it's Kate. By now, I know you've got my letter. What you decided to do with, I don't know."Kate said, looking at Matt on her lap. "I'm sorry-"She sniffled, tears spilling into her eyelids, daring to fall. "-I shouldn't have, I know. I didn't have a right. But please, I can't take not talking to you. Silence is worse than you yelling at me so please...talk to me. Goodbye, Jack."

She hung up the phone, setting it carefully on the table next to her. She smiled softly at Matt who wiggled in her arms. "You're such a sweet boy, you know that? I love you."She whispered softly, bringing him up to cuddle him against her shoulder. "I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: Okay, so first of all I would like to start by apoligizing. The past few weeks have been incredibly busy, what with school starting back up again (among other things.)...Anyway, I hit this really frustrating writer's block about a week ago, and have been trying so hard to get through it. In exchange for making my readers wait, I've done this chapter a little differently. I'm aware of the fact that a few people had issues with Jack and Kate still going on with the letters, but I believe that it's been working for now-though this story will slowly begin to increase in what I guess we'll call 'live' action.**

**In any case, I'm sorry for leaving you hanging...and I swear that I won't again. However, in the event that I do, someone please send me a PM, and I'll at least know of the interest (because I already know it's there), but also help me get moving. This chapter was particularly hard to write, and I've already mapped it out several times. Anyway, with that said...there is still a letter in this chapter, though it occurs at the beginning.**

**Just one teeny, tiny warning...about the letter. Yeah, see it wrote itself. Seriously, I swear that it did. Remember that note I wrote in the first chapter (well, I'm fairly sure it was the first...)-this comes true with this particular letter, as it's not what you would expect, although I will say that ot does explain some of the backstory behind Kate living where she is and what happened during her first few months there.**

**PLEASE leave a review-it helps me more than you know.**

* * *

_Jack,_

By the time that you read this, chances are you will have changed your mind several times. By the time that you read this, in all likelihood, something different will have happened. While I realize that the situation is none of my business, I still feel the need to explain something to you. It's your choice as to whether or not you accept my explanation, yet I still feel the need to write this.

First of all, please do not take this as me taking sides or criticizing anyone; I figured out a long time ago that would never work.

I'm assuming by now you know that Kate and I are...well, I suppose friends would be the right word. I've known her just about since she chose to come and live down here, and have helped her through ever since. I was the one who had talked her into writing you eventually, though I am aware of the fact that she tried several times, only to chicken out halfway through writing. Still Jack, for what it's worth...she hates what she's done to you. She hates to think that telling you the truth that she's been trying for so long to cover could hinder anything that may have happened between you two.

While I may have been the one who helped her-taking her to appointments, introducing her to a friend (the woman who is now her boss)...I can't take credit for everything she has done. Kate, as you very well know, is a stubborn person. She fought herself during the entire pregnancy, constantly battling the indecision to tell you. While she may have known it was the right choice, she often wondered if it was the logical choice. It's true, that you would have helped her. Some might even venture to say that you would have gone beyond that, and while I'm no psychic I'm sure that one day that might have come true.

Still, the woman that you knew, constantly running on the island and the woman Kate is now are, while one in the same-different people. From the second it finally hit her that she'd be having a baby, she switched into "Mommy mode"...well, as possible as it would be for Kate, anyway. She took an office job at the cleaning company once she became too big, and went back to work once she was sure Matt could handle it. She's with him pretty much every second of the day and I'm sure that if she could, Kate would be with him even more.

So by now you're probably wondering why I'm explaining all of this to you. After all, Kate and I weren't exactly the best of friends on the island, so why venture through that? The truth is Jack, we were both looking for something that we ultimately found in each other. Incase you're wondering I see her and Matt nearly every day. She'll stop by after work with him, or sometimes I'll go and visit with him. While the bond is unexplainable, it's something that we both wanted.

To make it simple, she never meant to hurt you. It was never her intention to lie to you or hide anything from you. She kept the pictures from all of the ultrasounds, took pictures with a camera nearly every day. Every once in a while I'll catch her just staring at Matt with this sad look on her face, and I know it's because she's thinking of you. Don't take that as me trying to make you pity her, because I know that would never work. Rather, take it as a fact that she's done everything she could to make sure that you remain a part of your child's life. He is still so young, Jack...you haven't missed your chance.

Well, I guess some things never change. As I finish writing this, I just got a phone call from the clinic I work at. A woman came in for an emergency, so I have to go. But Jack? I hope that someday, as the initial shock wears off, both you and Kate can work through your differences.

I hope I wasn't imposing, but incase you were curious (as I'm sure you were)...there's a picture inside the envelope. Trust me, it's worth looking at.

_Sincerely,_

_Juliet_

* * *

Jack staring at her words, momentarily letting them sink in. He let the paper fall to his lap prior to shakily staring at the envelope. While he knew he had a choice, Jack knew that once he saw the picture there was no going back.

A lump formed in his throat as he felt the object slip into his hands. Opening his eyes, tears soon clouded them at the sight. Kate. She seemed happy, standing near a palm tree as she cradled Matt-their son-in her arms. The little boy was wearing a blue onesie, though his feet were bare. He appeared to be sleeping, his eyes closed as he was tucked safe near to his mother. Jack let his eyes wander to her face, and saw something he hadn't expected there. It was something different...it wasn't happiness or sadness. Rather, it was a strange mix of both. It was in that moment that he realized how much he missed her.

Never letting the picture leave his sight, Jack would even go so far as to tuck it into his labcoat when he was at work. It was the next day before he'd realized what he wanted to say to her. Sitting in his living room, Jack held the picture firm in his hands as he dialed her number. Waiting through the rings, Jack prayed Kate would answer.

"Jack?"Kate answered, her voice unsteady.

"Yeah, it's me."Jack replied, nodding. While he was aware of the fact that Juliet had been the one who sent him the letter, he wasn't sure if Kate was aware of that fact, so he decided to keep quiet about it. "I, um...I just thought I'd call you."

"You just thought you'd call me?"Kate asked, feeling sorry when she did. "Sorry, it's just-"

"No, I deserve it."Jack cut in. "I should have called you sooner."

Kate bit her lip, trying to fight back the tears that she knew were coming. "It's okay."She finally managed to choke out, thought not truly believing that it was. "You needed time."

Jack shook his head, settling back into the cushions. "Not really. Ever since I read what you wrote, I knew that I had to...Kate, could I just ask you something?"

"Sure."Kate replied, having a gut feeling that she already knew what it was. As she tucked her legs beneath her, she tried her best to prepare herself. "Go ahead."

Drawing a deep breath, Jack stole a glance at his son's picture before speaking. "What were you hoping for when you told me?"

"What?"Kate asked, nearly choking.

"When you told me about our..."Jack said, finding the word surprisingly hard to say. "-son, what is it that you wanted me to say?"

Kate frowned, not knowing where Jack was going in the conversation. Her eyes scanned the room as she searched for her answer. "I don't know, Jack. I just knew that I had to tell you."

"But why? Why tell me, when you had already waited so long?"Jack asked, his voice sounding bitter.

"Because I knew the longer I waited, the more time you wouldn't get to spend with him. Jack, I aleady-"

"Told me?"Jack asked as he finished her sentence. He waited a second to see if she'd react before speaking. "I know you did. I just can't...I can't wrap my mind around it. Everything that we did, everything that we said...didn't it mean something to you? I mean at the risk of sounding like a sap, I loved you. And had I know you were carrying our baby, I would have loved him, too."

Kate's lip threatened to tremble at the sound of Jack's words. She knew she should have expected it, yet she wasn't fully prepared. "Everything we did together meant something to me, Jack. You know that. I needed to...I had to do this on my own. I know that I keep saying that, but it's the truth. You had so many things going on in your life, the last thing you needed was a baby...let alone a former con getting pregnant. Jack..."Kate's words fell from her tongue as reality sunk in. Though they may have been arguing, it was the longest conversation they had had since she left. "I'm sorry."She whispered, closing her eyes.

Almost by instinct, Jack closed his, too. Drawing in a breath, he couldn't help but feel the overwhelming need to see her, to hold her. "Kate, there's so much I've missed."

"I know."

"There's...I mean, we can't really forget that the past year happened."Jack said, as if stating it made it any more true.

Kate nodded in agreement as she adjusted her feet. "Believe me, I know."

"Is he sleeping?"Jack asked, finding himself struggling with the idea not to.

"Yeah, I just put him down about twenty minutes ago. We've had a busy day."Kate said, a sad smile crossing her features. "I know I said it before, but I really am sorry. What I did..."

"It's okay, Kate."Jack said in reply, surprising even himself. "While I can't understand why, you did what you thought was right. Still, I'd like to think that someday I could...I don't know, get to know him?"

"You will, Jack."She reassured him. "Why didn't you write me back?"

"Honestly? Because I had no idea what to say. What do you say to the woman who just told you the news she's been hiding from you for a year?"Jack asked, tilting his head.

"I didn't hide it Jack, I just-"Kate said, her stomach sinking. "I hid it from you. I ran away as usual, right?"

Jack shrugged, wishing in that moment that he could see her. "Not exactly. I mean, the time that you lived with me you weren't running."

"That's because I felt like I had a place to stay."Kate replied, not knowing what her next move would be. "You gave me that."

"Then I guess I made you feel trapped, too?"Jack asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because apparently you trusted me enough to share my bed...but not enough to let me near your child." The minute the words left his mouth, Jack began to regret them. While he wasn't sure where all the anger was coming from, Jack felt the need to say something to her. "Did you expect me to forget what happened?"

"No."Kate whispered, shaking her head. "I don't have the right to ask you to do anything anymore."

"That's where you're wrong, Kate. You have to, I guess, learn to believe in yourself a little better. After all, someone has to teach him whenever he gets upset."Jack replied.

She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, cradling the phone close to her ear as if it would make Jack be any closer. "I miss you."

Jack had been too stunned to say anything after Kate uttered her last sentence. Three simple words that seemed to ring true to his very core. He wanted so badly to say it back, to tell her that he still had dreams of the morning before he left for work, kissing her on the forehead not knowing it would be the last time. Still, as Jack fought so hard to say the words, he couldn't muster the strength to say them. Just as he opened his mouth to speak, a shrill cry was heard from the other end. "Kate?"He asked, worried.

"That's Matt, Jack. He must've woken up again. Can I call you back?"She asked as she stood to walk towards Matt's room.

Not wanting to let her go, Jack still realized that the time has passed. "Sure."He said, nodding. "I'll be here."


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Thank you to those who reviewed the chapter. By now you've probably guessed that things are changing. Still, Jack and Kate both have things to go through before actually coming face to face. I know it sounds kind of complicated, but I swear it'll come out okay. Regardless, please leave me a review--it helps me more than you know.**

* * *

A week had passed and as much as they could, Jack and Kate would talk on the phone. From simple things like what they were eating or to much more complicated things like what procedures Jack had performed that day. It felt good to know that a comfortable silence could happen between them without either trying to fill it. Though there were still tense moments between the two, it almost seemed like maybe they were back to normal.

Jack would tell her about his life in California, and Kate would in exchange tell him about her life and different things Matt did. She felt guilty because Jack had never truly seen his son but still held out hope that someday he would. Once, three days before, Kate had nearly got up enough courage to ask him to come but began to worry of it would be obligatory on Jack's part.

What if he didn't want to see her? What if, even though they were talking again, Jack still harbored anger towards her? Kate had tried to hard to push back the questions that lingered in her mind but knew that they couldn't be permanently ignored.

Sitting out on her back porch, Kate set Matt safely in a cradle while holding the phone against her ear. She flashed him a smile, to which the baby's eyes managed to settle on hers for a few mere seconds. A pang of guilt hit her when she realized that there were already so many firsts Jack would never get to see.

"Kate?"Jack called, bringing her back. There was a question lying within his voice that Kate couldn't help but hear.

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, I just had to get him settled."Kate replied, laughing nervously.

Though Kate couldn't see him, Jack nodded. "How is he?"

Kate knew he's ask this question, as he did every night. The idea that Jack was concerned about his son was something that didn't settle lightly on her. Brushing the hair away from her eyes, Kate sighed. "He's wonderful, Jack. I know I say just about the same every time, but he is."

"Good."Jack replied, wishing he could see him. "That's good."

Jack's short answer caused Kate to frown. "Jack-"

"Don't Kate, it's fine. I think it's great that Matt is doing good...just like he should."Jack replied, resting his feet upon the coffee table. "What about you?"

"You can't just change the subject."Kate shot back. While she wasn't entirely sure of the reason why, Kate felt like her newfound courage to talk to him was a long-time coming; she wasn't about to let it go. "That's the third time you've done that this week. Eventually, we'll have to talk about it."

"Talk about what? There's nothing we haven't talked about...the letters, the phone calls?"Jack said in return, knowing he shouldn't come across as so defensive. Crossing his arms, Jack shook his head. "I don't see why we should go any further."

"Because-"Kate said, perhaps too loudly. She cleared her throat before sighing. "If you don't want to, I understand."

"What do you mean?"Jack asked, this time he was genuinely curious.

Kate drew a deep breath before closing her eyes. Opening them, her gaze fell directly on the link that held her and Jack together-Matt. "It doesn't have to be soon. I just thought that eventually you'd want to see your son."

"I don't even know where you live!"Jack cried. "Yeah, I know your number now. But the letters came from a post office box in Florida. Other than that, I don't have much of a clue."

Just then, a knock came from the front door. "I have to go, Jack. I'll call you later."Kate said before hanging up, though wanting to say so much more. She didn't have to look in order to know who was at the door. Juliet came at about the same time every Sunday as more of a routine than anything. They'd eat dinner, catch up from the rest of the week, maybe play a few rounds of cards before she'd leave. It was nice to have another adult in her life with the main constant missing. Kate bit her lip as she picked up Matt to go answer the door. Hoping against hope, Kate wanted so badly for Jack to be on the other side.

* * *

**Five Days Later**

_Kate_,

Okay, this is a little complicated so I guess I should start at the beginning. I shouldn't have hollered at you the other day. Believe me, had I known what it would have done I wouldn't have. I guess it's good that we're getting things out in the open. That sounds corny but I felt like I needed to say it. Someone had to and it's clear by now how stubborn we both are, so maybe it makes sense that I would step up to the plate.

Talking to you-it's been amazing. Amazing doesn't even begin to really cover it, because before we started the whole talking thing again, I really didn't have a clue of how you were. Do you realize what I went through when I realized you were really gone? I wanted to believe that you'd be back, that maybe you had just gone out for a while. Of course, I knew I was only kidding myself but it didn't make it any better. You aren't entirely to blame, and I get that you needed space, but I still think we could have worked things out.

So you have a son. I have a son. We, _together_, have a son. I'm sure that by now I don't have to spell that out for you. That fact has probably settled on you a few times already, right? This is all new to me, Kate. I've missed so much already. Appointments, kicking, the actual birth itself...and you ask if I'd want to see him?

To answer your question, yes. Eventually, I'll want to see my son. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be with him right now. He's my son, Kate. I'm not going to deny the fact that I would have preferred that I know about him from the beginning but I know that I can't turn back time. You made a choice that, in the end, affected all of us. I don't know if I'd do anything different, but what I do know is that I'm doing something different now.

I'm not the one running. I'm not going to pretend everything's okay when I know that it's not. When you need me, let me know; I'll be there as soon as I can. Hell, I've got the airlines favorited on every computer in the event that I need to special order. Do I sound desperate? Because honestly, I'm not. I'm...well, I'm Jack. I'm the same person I was a year ago after you left. Sure, I'm a little more different when it comes to certain areas. But the important things about me haven't changed. I'll be there if and when you say you need me. But until then?

The choice is up to you.

_'Til next time,_

_Jack_

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Kate folded up Jack's letter, feeling dried tears stain her face. She wanted to see him, but why did it have to be so hard? Just pick up the phone. Talk to Jack. Ask Jack to come.

The idea settled uncomfortably against her. Matt was sleeping and Kate herself was growing weary. Holding the folded paper in her hands, she tried to keep her breathing normal. Every time she would reopen it, her breath would quicken as she knew that she had a choice to make.

She hated it-the feeling helpless. Laying down on her couch, Kate squeezed her eyes shut. She knew the phone was sitting on the table, and that all she needed to do was call him. Jack was Matt's father, and if she wanted him there, Kate knew that was all she had to do. Strength was something Kate knew she had, and yet in that moment she found that she had none.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: I've been having issues lately with computers, but I think that I now have everything figured out. So basically, trhis hcapter sends things into action just a little bit more. I had actually planned on bringing the chapters up a little (like with timing, etc.)-But I'm thinking I like this even better. Thanks so much to those of you who read and review...persistance pays off. ;)**

**Leave me a review, please!**

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**Five days later**

Kate sat at the desk in her living room, staring blankly out at the ocean. She could remember days when all she'd do was stand out allowing her feet to sink in. In her mind, the waves would take her away from the island and back to the life that she had before. Though she didn't want it, Kate almost thought that it couldn't be worse than being stranded. The paper she held firmly in her hands crinkled loudly, and startled she glanced down. A faint smile crossed her face, though it was an unsure one. She'd spent the last hour trying to find the rights words to tell Jack, but it was apparent that it wasn't going to work.

"This is stupid."Kate muttered, shaking her head. She knew she could just call him to say what she wanted to, but somehow the alternative of writing a letter seemed so much safer. She was free from the awkward pauses, or what she feared more-hearing his voice. Her eyes closed, thinking back on their last conversation. Jack, as she expected, had a tone of disappointment laced through every word. Despite that, Kate knew she could hear something else there, but was terrified of what it was. In her mind, after everything she'd done to him, there was no way he could actually still love her. It was one thing to write down the words, or to say them. Meaning them was something altogether different.

Opening her eyes, Kate stared defiantly down at her words. She scanned the page, searching for any clue of sounding desperate. Truthfully, she kind of was, but there was no way she'd let Jack know that. Chewing her lip, Kate stared out the window as the sun set above the ocean. She missed her chance to send it that day, but felt that maybe it was for the better. With every day that passed, what needed to be said somehow grew stronger. Kate glanced at the hallway, checking for any sound coming from Matt. In a little while, if he didn't wake up she'd go to get him, and would feed him dinner. Sleep wasn't something that Kate had been accustomed to since he was born, so their schedule changed every once in a while.

"Jack.."Kate said, clearing her throat. She figured she couldn't get a real idea of how it sounded unless she read it outloud. "I know that I probably don't have a right in asking you to, but I hope that eventually you can forgive me. I hope that we can get over what happened in the past, and find a way to get on with life. I never meant to hurt you. After hearing me say something like that so many times, it's probably lost it's meaning to you. But honestly? What happened was because of me. We can keep going in this stupid circle about who was to blame, or who would have done something to fix it. But I know that it wouldn't do any good."Kate paused, gulping before taking a deep breath to continue. "You said that you'd come, that you're so ready to try this. What about your life? You're a surgeon, so I'm sure you have more important things to do. Please don't take that as me assuming things, I'm just trying to look at everything equally."

"I'm sorry for pushing you away, I'm sorry for thinking that everything would be better if I could do it on my own. In a weird way, I guess I felt like I needed to prove myself to all of those people who ever doubted me. The one thing I'm sorry for, is leaving you out of it. You would have been there Jack, as we've already covered. But the one thing I'm not entirely sure of is if you truly would have wanted to. Jack...so many things were happening then. Your career was back in full swing, and things happened that weren't in our control. Pressure was building on you because of all these new surgery techniques, and you had to keep up with them. If there is anything I learned from you, it's that family is important. I guess at the time, that included me for you. It's only fair to let you know that I felt the same. After the train wreck that I was dealt, you were there to help me. You were my family, and in a way still are."Kate stopped, tears stinging at her eyes. She hated it. She hated feeling weak, but with Jack, she knew he understood.

"I know that it probably sounds crazy, but he ends up looking more like you every day. Being almost four months, it's kind of hard to really look like anyone, but somehow Matt has done it. So, I guess I should say what I've been working up to. Yes, I want you to be here. I want you to see things so you don't miss out on them. I want for you to know your son. I'm not saying that it won't be hard, and I know that you have other obligations. Don't deny that Jack, because I know you."Kate laughed, picturing the face he would have made. "I love you, Jack. It's taken me a while to realize that I really, truly do. But it's the truth, and that's something you need to hear. Kate."

Folding the piece of paper again, Kate sat it down on the desk. She looked out the window to see a pinkish glow invading what once was blue. The window was opened slightly, so she could hear the soft whisper of the waves reaching the shore. Knowing Matt would be waking up soon, Kate put the letter away in the drawer and stood. She walked into his room, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. Some days the idea of being responsible for someone else still scared her, but moments of watching as he slept were enough to comfort her fears. On nights she couldn't sleep, Kate would find her way into Matt's room, if for nothing other than finding comfort in watching him.

Her fingers grazed his soft skin as a smile spread across her face. "I love you, sweet boy. So much more than you'll ever know."She whispered. When Kate was pregnant, thoughts of being a bad mother plagued her. She thought that she wouldn't know what to do or what to say. Kate feared that if her baby cried, she wouldn't be able to help him. But from the second he was born, Kate's instincts kicked in. She loved this baby; this child who was hers to keep. No longer able to run, Kate knew that she had to settle and stay in one place. While she regretted the fact that Jack wasn't there to help her, Kate knew that her choice had been made.

Matt murmured, stirring a little. His tiny fingers wrapped around Kate's pointer finger, clinging onto it. Kate let out a soft laugh, amazed so much by the child she and Jack had created. It wasn't about who was better, or what mistakes were made anymore. Because she knew Matt wasn't a mistake, she knew that she'd always love him regardless. While she hadn't originally planned on telling Jack about him so soon, a part of her was glad that she did.

The peaceful moment was broken by a persistant knock on the door. Kate grumbled, frowning. Juliet was still at work, so there was no way it could be her. Her mind shifted to the superintendent of the building, and was reminded of the payment that was due the following week. Taking another look down at Matt, Kate kissed her hand and placed if softly against his cheek before walking to see who was at the door. "I'll be right back."She said before leaving.

Once she reached the door, Kate had to admit she was annoyed. While she knew the man was having trouble with his own family-his wife had just been diagnosed with lung cancer-it was still no excuse for knocking so loudly. "Listen, I'll give you your payment tomor-"Kate's words fell off of her lips as she flung the door opened. Gaping, Kate took in the sight before her. Shaking her head, Kate had to remind herself to breathe. "Jack."

Hand tucked inside his jacket pocket, Jack wasn't sure of what to say."Kate."

"You came."Kate replied, standing in the doorway. A part of her wanted to just reach out and touch him, just to make sure it wasn't a dream.

Jack nodded, allowing her to process it. She looked a little different than she did when he last saw her. She wasn't as skinny, probably because of the baby. Healthier was something that came to his mind as he took her in. "I'm sorry I didn't call."

Kate shook her head, snapping out of her daze. "No, that's...that's okay."She whispered, at a loss to say anything else. "Come in."

Doing as she said, Jack stepped through the doorway into her apartment. He set the only bag he brought with him on the floor, and took in the scenery. The click of the door shutting told Jack that Kate was still standing right behind him. For a split second, Jack wondered if coming was a mistake. It was erased as soon as she came back into his view.

"Do you want to sit down?"Kate asked, still coming to terms with the idea that Jack was there.

"Sure."Jack replied, following Kate's lead into the living room. "It's a start."


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: To be honest, I was actually planning to have all of the action and reunion in some sort of sequel. But clearly my plan didn't work that way. Either way, I hope that you all like this chapter, as I'm sure it has some of what you've been waiting for. Leave me a review, please!**

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Kate stood firm in the middle of her living room, searching for something to say. She looked at Jack, who had seated himself in a chair. "Can I get you anything?"She asked. "I was going to make Spaghetti tonight if you're hungry." 

"I ate on the plane."Jack replied, his tone stern. He sighed, rubbing his face. In that moment, he started to wonder if maybe flying down to see her had been a mistake. "But thanks."

Kate smiled sadly, offering a nod. "You're welcome."She said, at a loss to say much else. "So, I um...I was about to feed him."

Jack's head popped up, immediately knowing who Kate was referring to. "Is he awake?...I mean, I thought that-"

As if on cue, a cry erupted from down the hall. Kate nodded, swallowing hard. She nodded with a sigh, "I'll be right back."

Jack nodded, turning his head to watch her disappear down the hall. He turned back around, surveying the room around him. A television sat in the corner, coupled with a stereo. A baby swing was against the wall, and a blanket was thrown across the couch. Everything that would make a place feel like home was sitting in that room. He heard footsteps behind him, but couldn't bring himself to look.

"Jack."Kate called, noting how he tensed up. They'd gone without seeing each other for over a year, and now that they were in the same room, they had no idea what to say.

He nodded, already knowing what she wanted. Slowly, he stood. After taking a steadying breath, Jack turned around to face her. It took a second for everything to hit him; the reality that Kate held their child in her arms was something that felt a little overwhelming.

"This...this is Matt."Kate said, shifting her weight. She was afraid because at the moment, he wasn't saying anything. Jack was merely standing there looking at them. While she expected some sort of silence, it was the one he was giving her that caused her to feel scared. "Jack?"

"I'm sorry, it's just...this is a little-"Jack said, emotions hitting him hard. "-it's a little hard. I'm not really sure of what to say."

"Do you want to hold him?"Kate asked, already knowing the answer. When Jack nodded, Kate obliged by slowly walking towards him, and ever so softly placed Matt in his arms.

Jack stared down at the pair of brown eyes who looked up at him. Tiny hands reached up in an attempt to grab him, and a gurgle came from the baby's mouth. A smile played on Jack's lips as he struggled to find something to say. "Hey there, Matt."

It amazed Kate how gentle Jack could be with their son. She watched as he sat down, cradling Matt safely along the way. She stood silent, in awe of the connection the two already had. Guilt flooded her as she knew she could have seen it sooner. She shifted uncomfortably before finally settling herself on the couch adjacent to the chair Jack was sitting in.

"He has my eyes."Jack noted, not breaking his gaze. "I mean, it looks like it."

"He does."Kate replied, thinking of all the times she'd look at their son and know how much he reminded her of Jack.

Jack nodded, a faint smile on his face. "Hi there..."He whispered, staring so intently at the child. Jack could feel Kate staring at him, and returned his attention to her momentarily.

"Would you mind holding him for a little while? I have to get his bottle prepared, and-"

"Yeah, yeah."Jack replied immediately. "Take your time." Jack followed her with his eyes until she disappeared into the kitchen. Looking back at Matt, a thought occurred to him. He hadn't been there for more than an hour, and he already felt like he knew his son. It was the first time he was alone with him, and as Jack realized that, he couldn't help but feel the intense need to hold him. To know him. To love him.

"You can make yourself comfortable if you want..."Kate called from the kitchen, twisting on the top of Matt's bottle.

"Thanks."Jack called, knowing he couldn't ignore the offer. Though grateful, all he felt like doing in that moment was to cradle the baby in his arms. As many times as he'd gone over Kate's words; of the way she'd told him, as many times he'd gazed at the picture Juliet had sent, it never truly sank in with him until then. He was a father.

Kate walked back into the living room several minutes later, and stood several feet away simply watching them. Matt was grasping Jack's thumb tightly in a fist, and Jack was staring down at him as if he were trying to figure something out. She drew in a break before speaking. "I have his bottle."She said, tilting it slightly. "You could feed him."She said, knowing the Jack deserved that much. She didn't want to make it feel like she was pushing everything on him so quickly, but it only felt right to offer.

"Are you sure?"Jack asked, noting her nervous behavior.

"He seems comfortable with you, I wouldn't want to move him too much."She reasoned, laughing nervously.

Nodding, Jack knew that couldn't have been the real reason. They'd barely spoken since he arrived, and he knew that small talk eventually wouldn't cut it. "Then give me the bottle, I guess."

Doing as he said, Kate handed Jack the bottle before looking around the room. She hated feeling helpless, or at a loss of something to say. Jack was there in the same room with her, he'd flown all the way from California to see her. The lingering question was as to how he'd found her. Though as she watched Jack support Matt's head as he fed him, she knew the answer didn't matter. Settling for sitting on the coffee table, she watched him. "How was the flight?"Kate asked, unable to take the silence.

"We hit a little turbulence about halfway through, but everything settled out."Jack replied, somewhat relieved at the opportunity to speak. He'd rehearsed a speech; he'd gone over it several times in his head on the way to Kate. It was funny how as soon as he saw her, all the words seemed to escape him.

Kate nodded, wringing her hands together. She looked back at him before staring down at the floor. "Where are you staying?"She asked, immediately regretting it the second she did. Kate was merely trying to come up with a conversation, but of all topics she knew she'd picked an uncomfortable one.

Jack fidgeted, adjusting Matt's bottle before replying. "I actually haven't checked in yet."He said. "But there's a hotel about three blocks from here."

"Oh."Kate replied, her face falling.

Jack noticed her change in attitude, and shook his head. "You thought I was going to stay here?"

"Well, no."Kate said, stammering for an answer. "I was just curious."

"Curious."Jack repeated. "It just seemed like you were trying to say something there."

"I was trying to keep up the conversation, Jack."Kate defended, suddenly feeling hurt. While she knew she didn't exactly have a right, she couldn't help but feel like maybe Jack was being a little too harsh about the subject. "I'm sorry."She said, staring down at her feet.

Jack sighed as he watched Matt finishing his bottle. Tired from his flight, Jack wasn't in the mood to argue. Instead, he looked around for a towel in an effort to burp Matt.

Kate looked up to see Jack searching the room for something. Noting the empty bottle, she stood and walked over to the baby swing and grabbed a burping towel. She was a little alarmed when Jack offered to hand Matt back to her. While she knew he'd hand him back eventually, or at least felt like he would, to Kate it felt like suddenly he couldn't get rid of him fast enough. Kate brought Matt to her shoulder, and remained quiet until she heard a 'burp'.

For over an hour, Jack and Kate remained quiet, both exchanging small talk while Kate rocked Matt. Before long, she realized that he had fallen asleep. She smiled, momentarily forgetting everything happening around her. "He's had a busy day."She muttered. "He had a checkup, and we were over at Juliet's for lunch. We went shopping because someone keeps growing out of their clothes."

Jack seemed amused at the image of Kate sifting through racks of baby clothes, and though he knew it was all too real, Jack wished that he could have been there. "Are you going to put him down?"

Kate seemed hesitant, because she knew as soon as she did the real conversation would begin. She knew as soon as Matt was safe in his crib, she couldn't use him as a security blanket any longer. She nodded, taking in a deep breath. "Yeah. Just...I'll be right back."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's Note: So as a warning, I had a tough time writing this chapter. I'd try writing it as angsty, and it wouldn't work right. I'd write it more on the fluffier side, and it wouldn't cooperate. So, I hope that I've found a medium that you can enjoy. Leave a review, please!**

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Kate returned to the living room not at all surprised to find Jack in the same place he was before. His back was stiff and turned, and it was already evident that he was tensed up. She wasn't sure what to say to make it feel any better. "Are you sure you aren't thirsty?"She asked, praying that if anything, it would give her a moment to think of what to say. 

Again Jack shook his head, ensuring her that he was fine. "Thanks."

Kate nodded, a faint smile on her face. "Matt's fast asleep."She said as she walked into view. "If you don't mind, I was just going to make something to eat really quick. You could watch the TV, or come in with me. You know, make yourself comfortable."

Jack nodded, taken back a little with how calm Kate was being. He watched as she left into the kitchen before burying his face in his hands. It was going horrible, that much he knew. Sure, neither of them had really raised their voice, but what with the fact that neither had said much, it was to be expected. Standing, Jack decided to take Kate up on the offer to join her. He stopped at the wall on the way to the kitchen, catching sight of a picture. It was one similar to the one Juliet had sent him, but Matt was wearing a white and blue onesie in this particular one. Kate appeared to be sitting on the floor, and a smile was plastered on her face. To anyone else she would have appeared happy, but as Jack locked eyes with those of Kate in the picture, he thought he saw something else there. Her eyes had always been what gave her away, and though in the picture they gleamed with happiness, Jack could clearly trace what looked to be sadness there.

"That was about three weeks ago. Over at Juliet's. I had been cleaning up over there, and she came out with that camera of hers. He was awake there, too..."Kate mused, coming up behind him. "I'm heating up some rice, would you like some?"

"I thought you were making spaghetti."Jack said, not breaking his gaze with the picture.

"I was."Kate replied. "But I changed my mind. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm-"

"No, it's okay."Jack replied curtly, suddenly feeling the need to leave. The pictures, the blankets, everything that reminded him of the months he'd missed invaded Jack's thoughts, and he had to remind himself to keep his feet planted.

"Jack?"Kate asked, noticing the tension he was now carrying in his shoulders.

"I'm fine."He insisted, finally stepping into the kitchen. "Is there anything I can help with?"

She pulled a container out of the fridge and after placing it into the microwave, looked back at him. "You could talk." Kate felt guilty, because she knew that in reality she was the one who needed to do the talking. However, in her mind, she couldn't start unless he helped to move the conversation along. "Sorry, I guess I'm not used to the quiet."

"I guess not."Jack replied, sighing. He rubbed his face with his hands, feeling the exhaustion ebb through every pore. "So how have you been?"

Kate looked up in surprise as she hadn't expected the question. "Good, I guess."She shrugged. "Things have been okay, but busy to say the least."

Jack nodded, his hands gently brushing against the kitchen counter. He wanted so badly to just reach out and touch her, if for nothing more than to make her realize how important this was for him. In a way he was still mad, but if what he suspected was right, she hadn't exactly had the picture perfect time, either. "I guess you could say the same for me."

The sound of the microwave beeping broke Kate's gaze from his momentarily as she moved about to fix them bowls. When she was done, she motioned for him to move with her into the living room. "It's not much, but I'm guessing it's better than any of that food on the plane."She mused, setting a bowl before him on the coffee table. She debated sitting in the chair rather than next to Jack, but realized that her move could be taken the wrong way.

Jack laughed, stirring the rice with his fork. "Three bucks for a can of soda."He mused, shaking his head.

Jack's musing reminded Kate of the fact that she hadn't offered him anything to drink. She came back from the kitchen with two bottles of water, stating that it was the only thing she had until she went shopping again. "It's not designer or anything, but I guess Zephyrhills does the job..."Kate laughed, looking at Jack nervously.

They ate in an awkward silence, both debating over what to say next. It was clear that they had to talk eventually, but neither wanted to budge. Every time one would make an attempt at conversation, the other would shrug it off. Eventually silence became their way of communicating as both tried to formulate their thoughts correctly.

Setting his bowl on the coffee table, Jack leaned back against the couch. "Thanks, Kate."

Kate nodded, swallowing her last bite. "You don't have to thank me, Jack."

Jack leaned forward again, this time resting his arms against his knees. "Why not?"He asked. "You made dinner for me when you didn't have to."

"That's true, but still..."Kate sighed, shaking her head.

"What?"Jack asked, knowing he was slowly about to cross the line that they had both been inching toward all evening.

"Nothing."Kate said before shaking her head.

"Kate."Jack called, urging her to look at him. He was sure now that she was scared, but what he wasn't sure of was the reason why. Her green eyes bore a whole into his brown ones, and he had to fight hard to swallow. "You don't have to be scared of me."

Nodding, Kate knew what he meant. "I know."

"You don't have to be scared of any of this. You know me well enough to know that I didn't come down here to cause you any kind of trouble."Jack tried reasoning with her, because if it didn't work, he wasn't sure what would.

"Then why did you come?"Kate asked, her voice wavering.

Jack clasped his hands together as he tried to formulate a response. "I needed to see everything for myself. There was a point when I couldn't just wait for another letter from you, or a phone call. Because even though talking to you was great, seeing you was something I hadn't done in a long time."

Kate closed her eyes in an attempt to will any oncoming tears away. She was strong. She didn't break down, especially in front of Jack of all people. "Are you saying that you missed me?"

"I think it's pretty obvious by now that I did."Jack replied, trying to remain serious with her but at the same time trying to lighten the mood a little. "You're a good mother, Kate. I could never second guess that."

"But you weren't here."Kate cried, desperation coating her words like a thin veil. "You didn't see what I was like after he was first born. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. I still don't know what some of the cries mean, Jack. You saw me with him, I know that...but I still-"Kate paused, shaking her head. "I still don't think I'm all that great."

"What are you talking about?"Jack asked, finding Kate's reasoning ridiculous.

"If I'm such a great mother, then why did I keep my son from his father?"Kate bit back, finally addressing the topic that had been bothering her.

Jack drew in a slow, labored breath. "You did what you thought you needed to do to prove yourself to our son. I wish you had told me, I really wish you had. But that's all in the past. There's nothing you can do about that now."

"Believe me, I know."Kate muttered, staring down at the carpet.

"That doesn't mean that you can't do something now, Kate."Jack said, parting his lips momentarily to moisten them.

"So that's what this is about?"Kate asked, standing up in surprise. "You want me to just hand over our son to you?"She continued, eyes shading with a hue of anger.

"What? No, of course not."Jack replied, standing to face her.

"Then what, Jack? What is it that you want from me here?"Kate asked in desperation. "This would be so much easier if you were completely mad at me, or if you weren't mad at all. But this...middle...I don't know what to do. One minute, you're sounding angry. The next, it's like you're saying something to make me feel better. What am I supposed to do, Jack? What am I supposed to say? Could you clue me in a little, because really, without some help, I'm not sure this will get much further."

Jack sighed, nodding his head. He had expected her to react, but the way she had without allowing him the chance to explain left him feeling on the verge of helpless. "I would never take him away from you, no matter what it is you've done to me. I was just asking to maybe be included in his growing up a little. I want to be here, Kate."Jack said, his thumb gingerly brushing the side of her arm.

"You can't just uproot your life, just like I can't leave mine."Kate replied, knowing they were reaching an impass. Despite that, she felt relief knowing that they had reached some sort of level ground. "So how do you suggest we do that?"

He rubbed his neck, praying that some of the tension would go away. What he had in mind was a hot shower, but knew that Jack knew in that moment was that getting things cleared away with Kate was more important. "I don't know."He said, at a loss to say much else. "I'm sure we'll figure something out."

"But what?"Kate asked, suddenly aware of the shivers Jack's touch caused within her. She blinked, trying to gain composure. "He's still a baby, a young one at that. It's not like we can just...fly him back and forth. Jack..."

"I told you that we'll figure something out."Jack replied, giving her shoulder a squeeze. He watched her gaze soften as he took in her features. Her lips were tighter than he'd remembered, and bore chew marks that he was sure the last year had caused. Her skin was still pale, but held a tan hue that he knew the sun had assissted her to grow. The brown hair that was now held back with a hair tie still hung loosely, something that hadn't changed about her. Just as he began to feel himself moving closer to her, Jack heard Kate clear her throat. "Well, it's getting kind of late. Do you think we could continue this later?"

Kate nodded, and though wanting to continue speaking, she knew she'd need time to think of what came next. "Tomorrow."She said when she walked with him to the door. "Jack?"She called as he began to leave.

Jack turned around, not sure of what he should expect. "Yeah?"

Kate shrugged, holding the doorframe firmly. "Thanks for stopping by."


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: These past few weeks have been crazy like you would not believe. I have just recently gotten over on of the worst cases of writer's block that I have ever had. Literally, I mean I would try to write, but all that would come out would be just..words. But it was just 'words', not anything that when actually meshed together actually held any meaning. It just didn't seem good enough to be posted at all, which is why I have held out on this one.**

**With that said, here we are at the latest installment. I hope that you like it, though I have a feeling that it came out a little OOC. But maybe that's just me. Review, please!**

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Jack arrived the next morning, a feeling of anxiety around him. What happened with Kate the night before had gone better than he could have expected, but he still couldn't help but feel that something would go wrong. She answered the door, looking fresh faced, yet tired at the same time. "Morning, Kate." Jack said. "I...wasn't really sure when I was supposed to come, so-" He waved a white bag in his hand before offering a shrug."-I brought bagels." 

It was an empty proposal for something that meant so much more. Kate nodded before opening the door to allow him in. "Matt's still asleep, but you can put those in the kitchen." She said before heading in to get herself a glass of juice. "I'll need to head out soon, but I could point you to something to do if you want."

He offered a half hearted smile as he set the bagels on the counter. Silence was beginning to bug him, and Jack was at a loss of what to say. He settled upon a suttle "Thanks." before opening the bag. "Do you want one?"

Nodding, Kate's hair shook slightly as she reached out a hand. They ate in silence, both contemplating whether or not they should speak. Kate's eyes would drift over to Jack every few minutes to notice that nothing much had changed. She found herself focusing on his face and the features that lay there. The stubble was still there, but he was slightly more clean shaven than he had been before. His skin was of a slightly tanner shade, but as far as Kate could tell, his eyes were still the same. She recognized that fact when he'd turned his head abruptly toward her, consequently catching her staring. "I wasn't-" Kate protested, picking at the crust of her bagel. "I just...I'm not sure how we're supposed to do this."

Jack gulped down the last remnants of breakfast before choosing to reply. "It's going to take work."

"I know." Kate said.

"We're both going to need to make compromises that maybe...we aren't ready to." Jack sighed, grabbing a napkin. "I know that I've said it before, but I don't hate you, Kate. I'm not mad. At least not anymore." He confided, feeling like maybe they were making progress. "That doesn't mean I'm not going to fight to be a part of his life."

"I want you to be there for Matt, I already told you." Kate defended, suddenly feeling as if she were exposed. Her green eyes quickly averted his gaze, her freckled nose suddenly pointed toward the floor.

"Hey." Jack said, his hand brushing her shoulder. He waited until her head popped up again to speak. "We can do this, Kate. It's just not going to be easy."

Kate nodded, fighting back the tears she felt pricking at her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Jack sighed, shaking his head. While he still harbored feelings of concern and of lost time, Jack didn't want her to be sorry. "I just wish you could trust me."

"I do trust you." Kate said, green eyes matching with brown. "How could you think otherwise?"

"Maybe because you chose to fly across the country to raise our son instead of trying to let me help you." Jack retorted. "You're different, Kate. You're still yourself I know, but...after the island-"

"My whole life, I have had no one to lean on, Jack. I've always had to be taking care of myself because I was on the run. I know that's my fault, but I did what I could. For myself, I needed to know that I could do this. You would have been there, all of the time, all of...everything. I just-" Kate paused, furiously shaking her head. "When I met you, everything changed."

Jack leaned his head to the side, and while he didn't feel bad for what he said, he felt a tug at his heart for what his words did to her. "I guess that I could say the same. You saved me."

"I didn't-"

"You did." Jack interrupted.

Kate's mouth hung open, her mind desperately clinging to any form of a response. "It could have been anybody."

"But it wasn't."

Kate snorted, thinking of how succesfully their conversation was going. "What is it that you're trying to prove?"

Jack took a deep breath, noting the look Kate's face held. For so long after she left, he'd wondered where she went, and spent his nights dreaming of the different solutions. That was, until he started getting her letters. "Honestly? I just want to fix whatever it is that's happened here. I want to know my son, and if it's possible, you. I've already missed the first few months of his life. I don't know what his sleeping has been like. I don't know if you read to him before he sleeps...I don't...I just don't, Kate. And that's the problem."

Kate was about to reply when a cry erupted from Matthew's room. She started to move until the idea came to mind. "Jack?" She asked, nudging her head in the direction of the hallway. "I mean, if you want."

Jack took it as an olive branch, and quickly made his way to his son's room. He looked into the crib to find the baby crying, tiny fingers curling against a blue and yellow blanket. "Morning, Matt." He whispered, afraid to speak much louder. He looked over his shoulder before leaning against the crib to pick him up. "Your mom is in the other room. Shh..it's...it's okay." He said, rubbing the boy's back. The tiny head of his son was cradled against his shoulder, but the crying still continued. "Hey, everything's gonna be okay, right Mattie? Everything's alright."

* * *

Kate made her way out shortly afterward, and took Matthew with her. She pointed Jack to a few places where he could find something to do. He'd eventually found his way to the local hospital, and arranged to have lunch with a former colleague. While they hadn't seen each other in years, he'd contacted Jack after the island, wanting to see if he was okay. Shortly after they had lunch, Jack agreed to contact him later so they could have lunch again later in the week.

Returning home later that day, Kate called Jack in hopes that he would come back over. Though she wouldn't admit it, she liked the idea of having him around again, even if it meant she'd have to have the conversation she wasn't sure she was ready to have. Agreeing to come for dinner, Jack hung up, saying that he'd go and clean up at the hotel.

Kate was cooking when she heard the knock at the door. "Mmm...Just a minute!" She called, turning to look at Matthew who was seated in a bassinette like chair. Sighing, she quickly went to the door. "Hi, come in."

Jack nodded wordlessly, slipping off his jacket as he came in. He followed Kate into the kitchen to see the scene before him. Kate kneeled down next to their son, checking to make sure he was comfortable. "How was he?"

"Today?" Kate asked, looking up in surprise. "He was good. A little cranky, but he's good."

"Good." Jack said, still standing in the doorway. At that point, he stepped into the room, watching her move to the stove. "Pasta?" He asked.

"Unless you have a problem with it. I think there's some tuna in the fridge." Kate replied, stirring the pasta.

"Fine with me." Jack said. "Listen, about earlier-"

"Jack, it's fine."

He sighed, taking a seat at the table. While he wanted to say something to her, there wasn't anything that Jack found reasonable. One second, he wanted to yell or scream, but the next all he wanted to do was just be there. It frustrated Jack to no end, but he knew that they had to be doing this.

"Do you want something to drink?" Kate asked, realizing that he remained quiet. She wasn't sure if she could count it as a good thing, because somehow she just knew the gears in his head were turning.

"Uh, yeah." Jack stammered, unsure of what to say. "Whatever you have."

Kate reached in the cabinet to get him a glass before turning to stir the sauce. "Water, milk, juice...probably some Coke, I think."

Jack took the glass with a slightly confused look. Was she mad at him? What right did she have to feel that way? Shaking the feeling off, Jack made himself a drink. He waited patiently while Kate made their plates. "Thanks."

She nodded, looking over at Matthew. "He's tired." She said, knowing how Jack wanted the details. When she saw him frown, she pointed in his direction. "Matt. He always makes this fist against his face, curls against it...whenever he's tired."

Jack nodded before taking a bite. "Little steps?"

"Yeah, I guess." Kate shrugged. "Jack..." She stared down at her plate, stirring the noodles into the sauce. The thought had been playing in her mind the whole day, but she had been so desperately afraid to voice it. "Can we do this?"

Jack leaned back, his fingers still tightly wrapped around his glass. "Yeah. I think so." He said. "Do you?"

A gurgling sound came from Matthew's direction. to which both briefly turned to look. Jack lingered, wanting to memorize every little detail there was about him. The hand that was propped against his face, the way his eyes were fluttering shut. When he turned back to Kate, she shrugged. "I don't know if it can. But I want it to."


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's Note: For lack of a better word, I became frustrated with myself when I sat down the first time to write this chapter. I know that it's been a while, and I truly am sorry. I hate that I keep having gaps that are longer than necessary, but I'm a perfectionist when it comes to Jate. I started taking a look at this story, and thought about why the update I was going for just wasn't working. I wanted to make sure that my goal was the same, and that what I was planning would fit in with said goal.**

**It probably doesn't make sense, but I find that the ships I love the most are usually the hardest to write. Jate, to me, truly is OTP. What we've witnessed in the past three seasons-not to mention that beautiful flash forward in Eggtown-what we have here is love, folks. The kind of love that it would be an insult to post multiple filler chapters for. So, I hope that makes sense. I also hope that you understand, and take the time to review.**

**Thanks!**

* * *

The week passed before either Kate or Jack had noticed. Their schedule remained somewhat similar; Jack would show up for breakfast, and then head out for the day. He'd return for dinner, and they would once again be met with his awkward decision about whether or not to stay. He was surprised when Kate suggested he take Matthew with him during his excursions, or at the least stay at the house with him. While he wasn't one to object, Jack had no clue about what to do with a baby.

His son, Jack had corrected himself. The sleeping form in his arms was his son. The one that Kate had carried for nine long months, that until recently knew nothing about. He swallowed the thought down as it struck him just how much he'd grown attached to the baby. _Their baby_. While Jack hadn't said anything, he realized full well that he'd soon have to leave. The realization hit him like a punch in the stomach, because he wanted nothing more than to stay with his son and with Kate.

She'd refuse, of that Jack was sure. She'd list a million reasons of why he had to go, or of why they couldn't go with him. The mere notion that she'd even turn him down sent a wave of helplessness through him, and he was at a loss to stop it.

Matthew shifted in his arms, and Jack caught himself smiling. There, in the midst of everything crazy, was the boy who had changed it all.

* * *

"Where's Matt?" Juliet asked as she and Kate settled in comfortably at a cafeteria table at the nearby hospital. While they'd typically meet at her house to eat, she'd gotten caught up in waiting for test results, and was therefore unable to leave.

"With Jack." Kate answered timidly before stabbing a piece of lettuce from her salad.

"Do you know how much longer he's staying?" Juliet asked, noting the way Kate almost imperceptibly flinched.

Kate shrugged, picking idly at the label on her water bottle. "No," she replied with a frown. "but I knew that he needed to spend time with him."

"You do understand that it's not going to always be like this, right?" Juliet asked, talking about the comfortable routine they had fallen into.

"Yes, I know." Kate said, not looking up from her plate. It was something that had been bothering her for several days, but she'd been trying to push the thoughts away. Time was what she needed to think things through, which was exactly why she'd carefully avoided the subject.

Juliet shrugged, studying the woman who sat across from her. It was by mere coincidence that their paths had crossed again in the first place. When she'd discovered that Kate had come to town, she'd at first felt a little uneasy. While people who had been rescued had kept in contact, she had hardly heard from anyone. It was only shortly after she discovered Kate was pregnant that she understood her need to flee.

"I don't know," Kate said, finally breaking the silence. "I guess I'm just hoping the subject won't come up."

"This is Jack." Juliet deadpanned, her fork hanging in midair.

"Yes," Kate agreed. "but I just...I'm thinking overall. But enough about me. I'm fine, really."

Juliet raised an eyebrow, but knew enough to not press an issue when it came to Kate. "A woman I've been working with is trying to have a baby. I can't share any actual information about the case, but I know even my best efforts could only give her a fifty percent chance."

Kate's face fell at her obvious sadness. She had been aware of her work on the island, and knew that the bad cases still affected her. "I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault," Juliet replied as she took a look at her watch. "but I do have to go. Thanks for lunch."

Kate returned home that afternoon to find Jack standing by the window. She smiled a littled as she realized he was holding Matthew, and walked up beside them. "Hey."

"Hey." Jack replied with a nod.

"Thanks for watching him." Kate replied, noting the way Jack awkwardly held their son. "Is something wrong?"

"He's just...he's been fussy is all. I've got him." Jack assured her, feeling guilty, but at the same time not wanting to let him go.

"Does he need to be changed?" Kate asked, rubbing a hand against his shoulder.

"That was about ten minutes ago. But we worked through things, huh?" Jack laughed, smiling as Matthew settled against his chest. He sighed though, as he heard him emit a tiny cry.

"Oh, then I think I might know the problem." Kate replied before making her way into the kitchen.

Jack followed, studying her movements as she walked about gathering various ingredients. He was puzzled and amazed at the same time, thinking of how used to grabbing the things she needed to prepare a bottle. It was an odd role for her, Jack thought, but at the same time it fit her perfectly. Kate had always relied on herself whenever she needed anything, but the addition of a child made her think of other things, and Jack had a feeling that was part of what made her leave.

Kate quietly finished making Matthew's bottle before grabbing two cans of Coke from the refrigerator for Jack and herself. She settled on the couch, watching Jack as he reluctantly let go of Matthew. She bit back a small cry as she knew what he was thinking. There was no way that they could hold it off forever, though a part of her hoped that they could.

Watching Kate as shed fed their son, Jack was taken back a little. On the island, she'd always been so insistent, stating that she wasn't at all good with children. Of course, Jack had thought then it was personal preference, due to the fact that she'd delivered Aaron alive and well. He laughed a little, thinking of how much time had passed since then.

"What are you thinking?" Kate asked, adjusting the bottle as she held it.

"I guess...just how much things have changed, you know?" he asked, offering a soft smile. "It feels like ages since everyone was all together, saying goodbye and everything."

"We still try to keep in contact. Well, a few of us."

"I know," Jack agreed with a nod. "it just feels like so much time has passed. People are starting to forget the kind of family we kind of became."

"I didn't." Kate's voice came out soft but wary. Whatever it was Jack was trying to get at, she wasn't sure, but she knew she owed him enough to pay attention.

Jack bit his tongue defensively, unsure of why he had. He folded his hands and leaned on his knees before turning his attention back to her. "Kate-"

The bottle accidentally slipped from Matthew's mouth, and a tiny cry erupted. "Hey, I'm sorry. It's okay, huh? See, it's okay." Kate urged, her voice soothing as she quickly replaced the fallen bottle. She continued to feed him before remembering she and Jack had been in the middle of a conversation. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"Right." Jack replied, having lost the energy to even bring up the subject, though he knew it needed to be approached. He watched as Kate fitted a towel against her shoulder, and burped Matthew quietly. Though he knew it was strange, Jack swore he could have watched her do the same thing a hundred times over.

"Jack?" Kate called, breaking him from his quit reverie.

He spotted the hopeful look in Kate's eyes, and he knew better than to break it. "Never mind, I guess I forgot." He laughed it off, because at the moment it was the only thing that felt better.

Kate had apparently believed him, because she carried on her normal evening activities. Matthew was up a little while longer before she gave him a bath, and sat with him a while before putting him in bed. She stood watching his sleeping form, amazed with the ease that his little chest moved in and out. The simplest of movements, but one that amazed her every time she witnessed the action. Satisfied that he'd sleep for at least a few hours, Kate turned to head back to the living room, but was surprised to see Jack standing in the doorway. "Are you leaving?"

Jack felt somewhat reassured by the apparent disappointment in her voice, and was quick to shake his head. "No, not yet. Unless you're asking me to."

Kate could feel his breath, hot on her skin as his thumb brushed against her forearm. Any other time, it would have seemed to her like he was simply trying to watch for a response. Instead, she couldn't help but get the feeling that it was something altogether different. It scared her momentarily, but in the few seconds that they stood there, she began to think it was the suspected next step. The steps, Kate thought, that lead to an unknown destination. "No, you can stay for a while. What kind of host would I be if I didn't at least offer you something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry." Jack replied, allowing the cryptic sentence to dangle as he lead the way back into the living room.

"Can't say I didn't offer." Kate laughed, feeling the comfort zone in the room begin to shrink steadily.

"Kate, I've been meaning to tell you," Jack began, running a hand through his cropped hair. "but I guess I didn't know how." He straightened his posture, and knew there was no longer any use in avoiding the subject. "My plane leaves tomorrow night. I'd like to say I'll be here longer, but that just isn't the case."

"Oh." Kate replied, her voice sounding weak and defeated. She artfully managed to avoid his gaze until she felt his hand against her cheek, urging her to look at him.

"I'll find time. Somehow, I'll find time." Jack insisted, brushing away a stray eyelash that rested on her cheek. Slowly, he edged forward, and gingerly pressed his lips to hers. He let them linger just a second longer than he knew he should have, and pulled away. "I'll see you tomorrow morning. Bye, Kate."

She stood stunned as Jack made a move toward the door. Taking just a second to compose herself, she walked in the path he had taken to shut the door behind him. Kate stood there, offering a smile as a means of farewell, and shut the door quietly as he walked away.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Note: So, to be honest, College is great and all but takes a big cut out of my writing time. I apologize to anyone who has been wondering where this story has gone. I have the rest of the story figured out, but getting it down into the right words will take some time. I hope to have a chapter up every week or so, and while I can't make that a definite guarantee, I can tell you that it is what I'd like to do.**

**With that said, I hope that you enjoy and review. Jate is something special to me which is exactly why it's my intention to finish this story. Enjoy!**

* * *

He left.

Kate expected to feel confused about the situation, but at the same time she knew that he would. It wasn't as if they would never talk or see each other, though the distance would eventually become an issue. Just the week with Jack made her remember just how important he was in her life. The looks, the smiles-simply being next to him caused her to feel the way she had before. But too much time had passed, hadn't it? Especially after all she had done in keeping their son from him. They had both admitted they wanted to try, and as such she knew it would take a great deal of work.

It wasn't just Jack's leaving that had an effect on her. Before he left he'd kissed her, and she wasn't one to get giddy over such a thing, but it struck her that he did it without a hint of hesitation. Kate couldn't help but feel like he didn't have to think about it, almost as if he'd been doing the very same thing for years.

Those thoughts were the ones to carry her through the day following Jack's flying back home. What happened while he was there hadn't completely settled on Kate, but it was clear that Jack was at the least making an effort.

That night, Kate had just put Matthew to sleep when the phone rang. Tip-toeing from the room, she quickly answered. "Hello."

"Hey, Kate." Jack replied. He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing by calling her, and his selfish excuse was that he had to hear her voice. It struck him in an odd way just how much hearing her say a few sparse words affected him. "It's Jack."

A smile crossed her face. Curling a leg under her body, Kate settled into the couch cushions. "Jack," Kate said, as if it were for confirmation. "How are you?"

Jack surveyed the living room around him before focusing his attention on the stack of bills waiting to be opened. Leave for a week, but the world won't wait. "I'm doing good. The flight wasn't that bad; we hit a little turbulence about half of the way through but it all worked out. I'm not calling too late, am I?"

Kate shook her head before remembering he wasn't there. "No, you're fine. I just put Matt down to sleep."

An involuntary smile crossed his face before Jack had a chance to hide it. "Kate, I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I know I didn't exactly give you that much of a warning, but I needed to get back to the hospital."

"I understand, I do." Kate insisted. "You have an important job."

"That doesn't mean I shouldn't have warned you first." Jack replied. He took a sip from his drink before setting it back on the coffee table, studying the condensation as it dripped down the glass. "Is he alright?"

"He's fine. He did get a little fussy earlier, but I fed him and everything was good again." Kate replied. In a way, she felt relieved at the way they could so easily slide into normal conversation. The routine they'd fallen into while Jack was with them felt comfortable, and she found that she kind of missed it. "How is this going to work, Jack?"

Silence filtered through on his end. Of course he'd thought about it, but wasn't sure of the right way to bring it up. "I don't know."

Kate swallowed before taking a breath. If they lived in the same place it wouldn't even be an issue. With Jack in California and she in Florida, it wasn't the easiest commute. "You're free to come see us whenever you want, Jack. I don't want you to feel like you have to ask."

Kate was offering him an option and he should have felt grateful. She wasn't the type to offer something lightly, and if she did make an offer he knew that her meaning was well-intentioned. "Thank you. I'll have to see when I can free my schedule and clear it with the hospital."

The conversation continued with both telling the other details about their day. Jack was back into the swing of things at the hospital, and Kate was able to clean a house with little to no effort. She spoke of the lunch she'd be having with Juliet the next day and he talked of running into Sayid at the airport the night before. He was apparently off to see Hurley regarding an important business deal, but didn't speak much of it. Kate made a remark about how no matter how hard they tried all of their lives would be intertwined. Jack had to agree, and thought of how important seeing Kate again was.

Phone calls after dinner became part of their ritual. Jack would leave the hospital, buy dinner on the way home, and call her. If he was working late he'd sometimes be greeted by a message from Kate on his phone, to which he couldn't help but feel comforted. Their conversations were just as important to her as they were to him and as the days passed the question lingered in his mind. They shared words about him coming back to visit and the word 'stay' had never been mentioned, but they'd never once made a suggestion about her and Matthew coming to see him. Jack wasn't one to push because he knew what the place did to her. She wouldn't be afraid to return he knew, but at the same time he was certain that she'd remember leaving again. They were in such a good place, but eventually Jack had to take the chance. "You know Kate, you guys could always come out here."

Kate's mouth opened and closed as she fought to formulate the right sentence. Her mind told her it knew the suggestion was coming. She studied rain as it fell against the patio outside her door. "Come there?"

Jack wasn't sure what he was expecting to hear when she answered though he found himself feeling the slightest bit hopeful upon hearing her answer. Nothing definitive was in her words, but enough curiosity lay within to make him feel as if there could be a chance. "Yeah, I mean...if you don't want to-"

"No, no-" Kate replied immediately. Only two weeks passed since she had last seen him, but the amount of time didn't seem to matter. "I mean...if you think that's a great idea. I'd like to. Just-" Words weren't exactly her friend, and she fought to make what she said have a fair amount of significance. The idea of going to see Jack again made her feel like the connection was still there; they had a chance, and she was afraid to lose it. Still, going back to where she had once lived would be a big step she wasn't sure about. "Do you think that would be a good idea?"

His heart sank. "You don't want to come."

"I didn't say that." Kate replied, suddenly feeling defensive. They'd gotten angry at each other, but never once did he doubt her. Feeling like he did caused a sick feeling to settle in the pit of her stomach. "I'm trying here, Jack. I just don't know what to do."

Sincerity laced through her every word, and Jack closed his eyes. Slowly allowing the breath he'd been holding out, he formed what he hoped would sound like an apology. "I know you are. We've been through a lot worse Kate, but that doesn't make this situation any easier. If it makes you feel any better I'll tell you that-" His tongue darted out and moistened his lips. "I don't exactly know what to do here either."

Without warning a smile crossed Kate's face and filled her with warmth. Knowing that they were both trying to figure things out together made the feeling she had before dissipate. She could practically see him there, sitting in the chair with the sound of the TV turned low while they spoke. He knew her in a way no one else did, and he was offering her something to help. A branch of support, and Kate knew then that she had to take it. "Matt will need a few things I can't bring on a plane."

Jack grinned. "I'll make sure they're here. Kate?"

"Yeah?" Kate asked, feeling lighter than she had before.

His mouth formed the words but stopped just short of actually saying them. They were important he knew, but Jack felt it was too soon. She had to be there and they had to be ready. "Just...let me know when to pick you up."


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: I should have had this up a few days ago and I apologize for that. However, I hope you all will like the direction I'm taking and that you'll let me know either way. It would be easy to just have everything over and done with in a few chapters but like the show it takes a little bit longer than that to tell the whole story. I hope you enjoy, and as always if you have any ideas please be sure to let me know. I can't promise they'll make it into the story but if they do I'll be sure to credit.**

**Thanks!**

* * *

The plane arrived twenty minutes late due to a delay but eventually Kate was cradling Matthew and walking toward baggage claim.

"How was the flight?" Jack asked as he fell into step with them. He offered an awkward hug-awkward due to the bag slung over Kate's shoulder and the sleeping child in her arms-and with Kate followed the signs until they got to the right place.

"There was a delay as I'm sure you figured out, but the flight itself was fairly smooth." Kate replied, carefully shifting Matthew in her arms so she could check her ticket and get better access to the conveyor belt. "He did get a little cranky on the plane but there was another baby on board who was a little louder, so it wasn't quite as bad."

Jack spotted their luggage at the same time Kate did and made a move to grab it.

"You really don't have to do that," Kate laughed and smiled as she saw him shrug. "Jack, really-"

"Hey, it's fine." Jack assured her as they made their way to an elevator. "You just carry him."

Knowing she wouldn't get much further in the argument, Kate settled for a few words of thanks before simply following him to the car. It occurred to her on the flight that Jack had seemingly thought of everything. Though she insisted on paying for the ticket Jack told her everything at the house would be taken care of. He also said he would be there to pick them up, and would help with whatever Kate and Matthew needed while they were in town. The question lingered in the air of course as to how long the stay would be-the returning flight was scheduled for a week away, but flights could always be rearranged, couldn't they?

Jack opened the trunk and stuck the suitcases in. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and opened the back door allowing Kate to see what was inside.

A car seat. Jack really did think of everything.

* * *

The place was almost exactly as Kate remembered it, except a little bit less organized. The refrigerator was completely stocked though and there were dishes waiting to be put away in the dish-drainer. The day's paper lay on the island next to a cup of coffee and a calendar on the wall with the simple word 'Kate' written in on the date.

It felt a little awkward to be there again, especially before going up the stairs, but eventually curiosity lead her there. Matthew was in need of changing and Jack took the opportunity to show her the room he'd prepared. It wasn't much-a crib, rocking chair and a storage center that doubled as a changing station. A few stuffed animals and blankets lined the sides of the crib.

"You really thought of everything, didn't you?" Kate asked, thinking in her mind that what Jack got was more than enough for the week they'd be staying there. She turned to face him with a somewhat flustered look on her face. "This...it's just too much."

Jack shook his head. "I don't think so."

He offered no room for argument, and just as soon as she opened her mouth to argue otherwise she shut it again. "Okay, well-" Kate cleared her throat. "Thank You, but really..."

"Kate?" Jack spoke with the slightest hint of amusement in his voice. While he'd expected her to be a little hesitant at finding Matthew's room stocked with things they would need, he hoped she would at least accept what he felt was a nice welcome. "I did what I had to do. You don't have to thank me."

* * *

Jack insisted on cooking dinner that night; orange chicken over rice. They sat of the sofa watching a movie that neither seemed to be really interested in. After dinner Kate gave Matthew a bath before Jack fed him a bottle and put him in bed. He'd had a long day and needed the rest. Time seemed to filter by slowly after that. Neither Jack or Kate wanted to let go of the time they had but at the same time were afraid of stepping over the line that had been so painfully drawn.

He'd kissed her before he left but they hadn't talked about it since. It was clear a conversation was looming though it wasn't clear as to who would initiate it. Clearly the trip had been an invitation to ease the line back a little, or erase it altogether, but neither had made a move.

After putting Matthew to bed and the ending credits of the movie rolled, Jack suggested a game of cards. Kate won the first round by nearly fifty points.

"Best two out of three?" Jack asked as he shuffled the deck.

"You sure you wanna push your luck?" Kate asked him, the corners of her mouth sliding into a smile.

Jack nodded back at her, all the jovial nature from just moments before gone. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do."

Kate swallowed and focused her attention on the Diet Coke she was sipping before offering her reply. "Then I guess I'll be ready to beat you."

Jack laughed and shook his head as he started handing out cards. He liked that they could be so open and joking with one another, even if there was a meaning both pretended to not notice. "Uh huh. Well, we'll see."

The game continued, Jack winning the next round but Kate winning the third, and he offered her a few words of congratulations. Both were reminded of times on the island when they weren't searching or gathering supplies when they would do something similar with a deck of cards, playing until one or the other (or anyone else who might have been playing) decided to call it quits. He stood up from his position on the floor and stretched his arms over his head. "I hate to do this," he said. "but I've got work in the morning pretty early so I should probably get to sleep soon."

"Surgery?" Kate asked, finding that she didn't want the conversation to end.

"I only have one scheduled for tomorrow though, so there's no telling what will happen. If it ends in best case scenario I should be home for a late lunch, and that's not accounting for anything that might come in during the day." Jack replied as he offered a smile and she stood. "I guess you want to take a shower or something? You can stay up if you'd like really, but I've got to get to sleep."

It was then Kate noticed the slightest hint of exhaustion in his eyes and knew that he must have been tired. She was a little confused by it, but in that moment she wanted nothing more than to be the one responsible for taking that exhaustion and tiredness away rather than be the one responsible for causing it. Taking a few steps toward him, Kate gently pushed against his chest. "Go, it's fine. I'm sure I can figure things out on my own. You need your sleep."

Kate was pulling her hand away when Jack caught it in his. He held on to it as he spoke. "I'm really glad you guys came, Kate."

Kate nodded her head in reply, brown hair brushing against her face. "I am, too. Good Night." Kate replied, contemplating the reason why her hand suddenly felt colder than before as Jack turned and walked away.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note: I'm not quite sure, but personally I really love this chapter. We're getting to the heart of things again and I hope that it's evident. And I promise you, this story is moving along...slowly, yes...but things will definitely pick up soon.**

**Review if you can, those are amazing. ;)**

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Kate awoke the next morning to the briefest hint of sunlight streaming through the curtains. Sighing, she stretched an arm above her head and wiggled her toes, willing herself to stay awake. She craned her head to check the time. 7:05. Jack would already be gone and according to the way Matthew had been sleeping he wouldn't be up for another hour or so, though she knew the traveling could have affected that sleep schedule.

The faintest scent of coffee lingered in the air and curious, Kate shuffled into the kitchen to see that Jack had set it for her and it was just beginning to brew. A smile crossed her face as she thought ofall the small gestures he had been putting into everything but then the thought settled he wouldn't be there to share it with her. He'd be at work while she and Matthew tended to themselves until he got there. While she didn't feel uncomfortable with the idea of being there along she still felt a little out of place in the silence of the kitchen. As she was waiting for the coffee to finish Kate spotted a note held to the freezer door by a magnet.

_Kate-_

_You've probably already figured out the fact that I already left. Again, I apologize, but know that you both are more than welcome to anything there at the house. I'm not entirely sure when I'll be home but I'll phone when I can to let you know. I don't have much food left though; there's a twenty on my dresser, it won't buy much but it'll get you out of the house. If you want to that is._

_Jack_

Carefully, Kate refolded the note from Jack and tucked it into her palm. The scent of coffee permeated the air and thus broke her free from the thoughts swarming but it wasn't enough to make them go away.

So she wouldn't have to spend all day there, they would have the opportunity to go out. As excited as she was about the prospect of seeing the town again, the idea that Jack so readily offered her money to do so settled uncomfortably. He wasn't obligated, at least by any standards she held, and yet he was going out of his way to make them comfortable.

Kate found some bagels in the refrigerator and settled in with one and a cup of coffee on the sofa. She turned on the news for background noise and allowed herself to wake up, her mind calculating what she could buy once they left. Of course they had no car, but the grocery was only two blocks away-she'd walked it many times herself-and she surmised that there wouldn't be a real need to call for a cab.

Matthew awoke a short time later and after changing and feeding him, Kate cradled him as she walked down the hallway to get dressed herself. Truthfully, she hadn't put much thought into what to wear. A few T-shirts and tank-tops, and jeans to wear. Not that it mattered, Kate reminded herself. But she still found herself wanting to look better than someone who had simply lounged around for the day. She settled on a white tank-top and a pair of denim capris before pulling her hair back into a ponytail and settling Matthew into his stroller and made her way to the door. She was halfway there when she recalled the money, not even thinking about a key until she spotted one tucked underneath the twenty dollar bill Jack left on the dresser.

Holding the small piece of metal in her hand, she recalled the moment Jack had given it to her before.

_Jack extended his hand and pressed something smooth and metallic into her palm before wrapping her fingers securely around it. "I want you to keep that."_

_Kate uncurled her fingers, eyes staring at the object until the reality of the moment settled on her. "Jack, I can't-" Kate sputtered, desperate for an explanation. "It's a key."_

_Jack nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, it is. I want you to be at home here." He nodded at the key in her hand. "So I had a key made for you."_

_Deliberating, Kate turned the key over in her hand, momentarily mesmerized by the mere sight of it. She brought her eyes back up to his, knowing he was waiting on her reply. "Thank you."_

Shaking her eyes, Kate stuck the money in her pocket and held the key in her hand as she looked down at Matthew tucked safely in the stroller, unaware of the emotional deliberation his mother was going through. "Come on, Matt. Let's go."

* * *

Returning from the store a short while later, Kate put everything she'd purchased away before feeding Matthew, burping him and putting him down for a nap. She stared at the clock trying to calculate how much time she had to herself before Jack would return home, but also realizing upon checking the phone that he hadn't yet called and was either still in surgery or doing something equally important.

She plucked at the couch cushions and found herself both comforted and dazed by the silence. A part of her wanted to sleep as well, but knowing Matthew could wake up she wanted to be alert whenever he needed her. Another part wanted to clean and knew that while maybe Jack would appreciate it she didn't want to wake up their son either.

Instead, Kate settled on taking the rest of the place in. As she'd suspected the night before, not much had changed. The furniture sat in the same place though she suspected the throw pillows were new, and he'd purchased a new television. As she was wandering through the room, the bookcase in the corner caught her eye. Glancing at the titles Kate figured she could read to pass at least some of the time.

Settling upon a somewhat worn copy of The Sun Also Rises, Kate tucked a foot underneath herself and sat down to read. Pages flew by as did minutes on the clock and eventually Jack called and said he'd be home shortly after five. They spoke for a few more minutes, Jack about his schedule and Kate about the trip she'd taken, before hanging up and carrying on with what they were doing before.

Closing the cover of the book, Kate's thumb ran across the spine as she tried to take control of her thoughts. Matthew, Jack, the book she was reading, what she planned to make for dinner...everything swam around in her mind and she fought to focus on one thing. Standing up and stretching her legs, Kate was on her way to check on Matthew when the bookshelf again caught her eye. It wasn't anything significant at first until she spotted the pictures adorning the top. One of the group, not looking entirely well-kept but altogether happy after just having been saved. One of Claire with an older Aaron; Kate smiled but felt a bit saddened at realizing how long it had been since she'd seen him. Family members-his mother, Kate recognized-but a photo that sat on the end urged her to move forward.

She remembered the day it had been taken with clarity. On a rare day off, Jack had surprised her by suggesting a drive to San Francisco. It wasn't anything particularly special but Kate had said she'd never been and so when asked had happily agreed to go. They walked down the street, stopping at shops along the way, and found themselves simply losing track of time. Jack brought his camera and upon seeing the sunset suggested they take a picture. He'd been wanting to build up his collection again and as such said it was only fitting that there be one of them both. They asked an older man if he would be so kind and he obliged. The remnants of the dusty blue still echoed softly in the sky with a peach that was just starting to bleed into pink, creating the perfect backdrop against the waves of the bay. They thanked the man and he went along his way, leaving that precise picture as a means of connection for Jack in the times when he'd think back to that day.

Kate ran her thumb across the frame and studied their faces. Her cheeks were brushed with the slightest hint of red which was a sure sign of the sunburn she received and Jack's hair had been disheveled by the wind. But strangely enough neither seemed to care, and their arms were wrapped tightly around each other as if holding the other close was the most significant thing.

Time had changed though and staring at it caused a tinge of sadness to resurface. Their eyes were lit up and they just seemed so...so happy, Kate guessed. So loved. Of course it was before she'd been given the news of the pregnancy and went in a frenzy over just what to do, realizing too late that it had been a mistake in leaving. Still, in that moment captured in the picture and for all of the moments even remotely like it since she knew there was something about the way she felt for Jack that was so completely different than anything else. Aside from their son Kate wasn't sure she'd ever felt a connection quite so deep and doubted she ever would.

"Kate?"

"I'm in here." Kate called back upon hearing her name. She heard the door shut and the sounds of Jack moving around before finally seeing him appear in the kitchen. Without even turning around she knew he was staring at her.

Jack had removed his jacket and his tie, and was in the process of rolling up his sleeves when he entered the kitchen. The sight of Kate standing at the stove stirring something that he couldn't quite see caused him to pause. "What are you doing?"

Wordlessly Kate craned her neck to look at him, the wisps of hair that fell from the bun she'd thrown her hair up into framing the side of her face. She smiled before returning back to the stove. "What does it look like I'm doing? I assumed that by you offering the money so I could go buy something you were implying that I should. So, I did-" Kate stopped and set the spoon on the stove, but not before running her finger across and bringing it to her lips. She turned to face him. "And now I'm cooking."

Jack's mouth broke into a smile and he shook his head. "So what exactly are we having?"

Kate shook her head and watched as he went to pick up Matthew, studying them as he cradled their son in his arms. "Pasta, and I also made a salad so that's sitting in the fridge."

"Sounds good." Jack replied, his face already beaming as he held Matthew. "And how are you?"

Matthew responded simply by opening and closing his mouth, his fingers curling around Jack's as he held one to his hand. A simple gesture, but one that affected his father every time.

They stood in silence a few more minutes before Kate returned to their dinner and Jack carefully placed Matthew back where she had him. Apparently she'd discovered the other things he'd bought and was putting them to good use.

"Dinner should be done soon. I wasn't sure if you wanted desert or anything so I didn't-" Kate turned around again, pausing as she spotted how close they were. It wasn't startling really as there was probably a reasonable explanation-something other than what was running through her head-for why he was suddenly so close.

He hadn't been expecting the sudden rush and he still didn't know what to do but it was clear that Jack felt like he had to do _something_. Kate coming back was a big step and he knew it wasn't permanent, but she was there and they had to figure things out. Things that were bigger than what they be eating or who would challenge who in a trivial game that didn't even matter. His mind was still processing but his hand brushed her cheek and tucked the hair that had fallen behind her ear.

Kate couldn't process what he was doing fast enough, and a part of her couldn't believe it was even happening. But in the same instant she started realizing it Jack's lips were against hers, his tongue pleading for entrance to her mouth.

Her smile had been all the incentive he needed. Jack's hands cupped the side of Kate's face, his lips claiming hers. He felt her hands, slowly at first before hungrily, pulling at him and urging him closer. A gasp exited him before he could stop it when her tongue so easily began a battle with his, testing him almost as she claimed his mouth. They were pressed flush together, both so completely there.

And then the timer rang.

Kate backed up instantly, turning her head and waving at him over her shoulder. Her cheeks filled with warmth as she opened the over. "Sorry, I um...the bread..."

Jack nodded and placed a hand on his hip as he watched her take it out. Something had happened there and they were both definitely responding, but the slightest hint of something else and she'd backed away. Kate placed the bread on the top of the stove and turned off the oven and he watched as she drew a breath before turning around.

"So...you ready to eat?"


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's Note: I'm a horrible person. Okay, not really, but still. Jate is one of my favorite ships and it has been since the beginning of Lost. I didn't plan this hiatus (the one it took me to finally get an update), but college life was a little tougher than I had planned for. Between exams and tests and studying, my writing took a bit of a back seat of the last few months. I've gotten a few chapters written here and there for other things, and truthfully the majority of this one has been kind of sealed for some time now, but technical issues, illnesses, and of course college papers...they just have that nasty habit of getting in the way.**

**Anyway, one of my resolutions for this new year is to finish this story. I can't promise a new update twice a week or anything like that because I'm not sure what my workload is going to be like, but I can promise that within the coming weeks, you will get the rest of this story. So long as you stick with me and hopefully review of course. Thank you to those who have been with me since the beginning, and to those who've come along the way. There aren't enough Jate fics out there, but it's great knowing there are some awesome Jaters along the way.**

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Water splashed against the edge of the sink, threatening to spill over the edge as Kate washed a plate. Dinner had gone over successfully regardless of the fact that she and Jack hadn't spoken a word except for him saying dinner was good before retreating to the other room. With her thumbnail, Kate picked at a piece of crust that was stuck to the pan she'd cooked the bread on before going at it with the sponge. She turned the faucet on to rinse the pan before setting it on the rack to dry. While she'd almost expected Jack would object to her doing the dishes, Kate found she was grateful for the opportunity to think.

What had happened before? He came home, they were talking. And then he kissed her. Not only that, but she kissed him back. It wasn't the first time, but it still didn't stop the small colony of butterflies in her stomach from rising just by thinking about it. She wasn't one of _those_ girls; the ones who swooned and practically fainted whenever the guy they happened to like would look back at them. Kate never was that way and she wasn't about to start, but she wasn't one to ignore the fact that there had definitely been something there when she kissed Jack.

She heard giggling from the other room and smiled. He and Matthew were getting along so well. It scared her to think of what might happen when they left. Her hand paused in its cleaning of a glass. How much time did they have? Kate knew their visit was only temporary, but was fairly certain that Jack would have been more than happy to let them stay as long as she liked. There wouldn't be a question about it in Jack's mind, of that much Kate was sure, but what she didn't know was how she felt about the issue. They could easily stay a few more days to see where things lead and hope that maybe there was something more. But what she wanted wasn't clear. Well, it had been an hour or so before, but then Jack kissed her and Kate wasn't sure where they stood.

Something in the room had changed. A slight shift in the way the air moved, a brush of a foot against the trash bin. Without turning around or looking over her shoulder, Kate knew that Jack was in the kitchen. It didn't bother her that he was there, it was his home after all. What bothered her was the fact he wasn't speaking. If he was angry with her, which in her mind he didn't have a right to be, she wasn't sure how she'd react.

"Kate." Jack spoke, finally breaking the silence Kate was too stubborn and afraid to fill.

"Hmm?" Kate replied, not feeling composed enough to turn around and face him. Images of what happened over dinner, of the way they'd scarcely looked at each other, flashed through her brain.

Jack watched as she continued washing the dishes. He knew she'd be done soon and they could talk then, but something about the whole situation begged that he didn't wait any longer. "I gave Matthew his bottle. He's in the living room now drinking it, so I should probably be in there, but I just-" He paused a stuffed a hand into his pocket. Somehow it had been easier rehearsing the whole thing in his head.

"As long as his head is supported and he's not crying he should be fine." Kate replied, still not turning around. She didn't want to cave in, too afraid to see the look on his face. Whatever it would be, she practically knew the words he'd say next before they ever left his mouth.

As a doctor, he knew what Kate told him before she said it, but her caring so much about the baby lying in the next room caused his heart to swell a little. He wouldn't let himself dwell on the past, but Jack knew how much she'd changed. "I just think we need to talk."

The sponge in Kate's hand stilled momentarily in its cleaning of another dish, but she quickly started cleaning again. Her confidence about the situation was faltering, and she hated feeling weak.

His shoulders slumped when she didn't speak. Taking a few steps closer to her, Jack wished he could figure Kate out. There were times when she was quiet and he knew it was because she was thinking, but there were others when she was only being stubborn. In a way, she frustrated him more than anyone else he'd ever known. He tried to get a feel for which type of situation it was-whether she was thinking or being stubborn-and couldn't quite decide. "There are some things I've been thinking about, and I was kind of hoping you'd help me out a little here."

Kate bit her lip, fighting the urge to turn around. She couldn't face him, not yet. If she did, she was sure the wall she'd been fighting so hard to keep him away would crumble the rest of the way. Leaving had been her choice and she knew she owed him something, but she hadn't counted on him wanting to 'talk' again so soon. "I don't know if I can help you."

Jack heard the waver in her voice and sighed. "Kate." He spoke her name, not really to get her attention or to have her talk to him, but to simply say it as an exclamation. Though a few years had gone buy and some things had definitely happened, had they really changed at all? Jack cleared the rest of the room and placed his hands on hers, plunging them into the warm and soapy dishwater. He waited until she was still to speak. "You won't know unless you try, Kate. Just hear me out here."

She could feel his breath, hot against her neck, and the feel of his chest pressed against her back. He wasn't going anywhere, but was simply waiting on her move. Taking a deep breath, she moved back from the sink.

Once he felt her shift, Jack moved as well, choosing to stand against the counter by the stove. Crossing his arms, he now felt like he wasn't sure where to start. "I'd kind of like to know what's going on here?"

"You don't skirt around the issue much, do you?" Kate asked. She wasn't sure why, but seeing the smile on Jack's face caused one to appear on hers. It quickly dissolved the second he shook his head.

"No, I guess I don't." Jack replied, the slightest hint of a laugh tinging his voice. He rubbed a hand against his face, feeling stubble scratch against his palm. If he waited a few more days a beard would start appearing, but that wasn't exactly something he wanted. "That little boy in the living room is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. Even if he can't walk or speak real words, he's just-" Jack stopped and shook his head. He wasn't one to let emotions rule over him, but the thought of what just happened in the living room before giving him his bottle caused tears to sprout in his eyes. "I love him. I've only know him for a little while, and he's still...I love him. You know that when I was at work today I actually missed him?" He laughed and ran his left hand through his hair. "I kept thinking about what you two might be doing, about if he'd take a nap today and if he did, what his face looks like when he's sleeping. I thought about the way he gives that little smile, and you just know he's happy. I love him, Kate, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to give that up."

Kate smile, her own eyes a little misty at Jack's declaration. "I'd never ask you to, you know that."

Jack nodded his head. "Yeah, but that's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about when you guys leave, what that's gonna do to me. I can't live vicariously, I just can't. Phone calls and pictures work fine, and visits once or twice a month is cool too. But..."

Kate felt what he didn't say, felt the way her heart suddenly pounded because of the words Jack didn't even have to mutter. "But it wouldn't be enough."

Jack knew there would come a point when the issue would come up again, and he'd silently been hoping for and dreading it at the same time. Kate was a sensible person, at least most of the time, and he wouldn't pressure her if he didn't think it was worth the effort. It scared him to think she would say no. It scared him even more to think of how he'd feel once they were gone. "No," Jack replied, starting something he knew they have no choice but to finish. "I don't think it would."


End file.
